Owwwweeeee

Okay, I moved out. Last Saturday the 23rd of June, 2007, I moved into a new life. Mr.Y decided he needed some time to get his head and heart back into the game. 20 years, almost 21 (this August), gone. Poof. Ouch.

I cry, I get upset, I forget to eat, I forget to...everything. Can't remember my name some days or where I'm supposed to be.

Saturday, when the movers came I wasn't done packing. I thought I had time, I was in denial. I didn't have time. I forgot a lot of things. I thought it would be nothing to go get them. It isn't nothing. It hurts so bad to drive into the neighborhood, I'm blinded by tears before I get to the house. Then I have to smile for the neighbors, who come over to see how I am. I'm Fine. Dammit, I'm fine. *smile* They first found out what was going on when the moving van was in the driveway. They came over and asked questions. They cried. I didn't. If I started I wouldn't stop. SO, I smiled that smile that hurts and kept loading the truck.

I've been back twice since. Once to feed the cats, Mr. Y was out of town, and once to get some things I forgot, not in that order. The first time Mr. Y brought the stuff back with me because it was too heavy for me. I had to practically plead to get him to help. He's in pain too. I think coming back to my apt. was too painful that night. He helped me move and then tried to forget.

He's trying to forget he loved me too. He's changed the way he talks to me. No more "Love yous", no more "honeys". Its very polite. It's very sterile. I've never had anyone not tell me they Love me anymore. The only experience I have with this is when people you love die. Then they CAN'T say it anymore. So, now I've had Love taken away. Oh crap, that hurts just to think. The problem with all this change is that in 3 to 6 months we are supposed to be happy. This is a hiatus, we are working on it. But this is a "break with dating?" It really feels more like a way to get some distance from the pain of breaking up. That's not what I want. I'm trying to change my vocabulary to ease his discomfort, but I do love him. And I want to say it, and all this feels like a waste of life. Times we could be together trying to make new happy memories. *gasp*

Anyways, my thought this morning was, when I woke up and was still in that dreamy place, I forgot. I forgot I didn't live in our home. I forgot where I was, and I forgot I was in pain. Why? because my eyes were closed, I had a cat snuggling me, and I heard footsteps overhead and a shower running. My brain told me (stupid brain), that Mr. Y was upstairs taking a shower and that I could lie in bed a few more minutes and be content. Callie was snuggled up against me so I had the cat factor tricking me too. Then I crept out of the fog and into reality and **BLAM** SO very frickin' alone. Wrong place, wrong thoughts. Teary eyed, I got into the shower and got my rear in gear. Came to work, alone.

Mr. Y came in and now we are very polite, and I want to tell him "No one has ever not loved me anymore. And if we are working things out then you can't not love me for a little while and then love me later. Love is Not a switch, you can't constantly say things and then not believe them. You will talk yourself into not loving me. And.....NO. "

But instead I'll be polite and smile, and speak when spoken too, and work. Sometimes that calms my brain (stupid brain). And my stomach will twist and turn and I'll feel a little queasy and tear up, but I WILL NOT CRY AT WORK. Dammit.

Well I'm pretty well spent and I think this will help. Getting all the vitriol out. Purging as it is. More later.

Ciao.