It's Summer again...

Wow, just realised that I've had so much to say but didn't want to "put it out there". So consequently it swirls in your head until you are just chasing all your thoughts all the time. This would not be a productive use of your time. Nor does it help you move forward.

I need to get caught up on... well everything.

1) Job, going swell. Economy nose-dived my first month there...I'm in recovery as is our nation. Doing everything humanly possible to move sales forward. More on the corporate culture of this company later.

2) Relationship, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yup, that sums up my dating life. Actually, If I do this right and get everything in a screenplay format I think I have a comedy here. I know it has been a wonderfully amusing roller coaster of experiences. Oh yes, there will be sharing, and opinions on this soon too.

3) What's left? TV, great stuff on right now. I won't plug HBO, Showtime, ABC, CBS, NBC, or the CW. Not even USA, or VH1. But they all have something that I seem to DVR weekly and get amusement from. Of course, I am a bit macabre.

4) Cat doing fine. Need to find a way to de-furball her. Unlike every cat in history who just hocks up a furry lung ball...not her. And she won't eat ANYTHING but her kibble. No treats, nothing. NOT EVEN TUNA. So getting her through this is a little more difficult.

5) EX, well that's a whole thing. We are now room mates and that's fine. No talking about anything relevant, or deeper than...TV. Now I know why I watch so much *sigh*.

6) Family. They are doing well but I just haven't been talking to them as much as I should. I shall rectify that situation.

It's interesting what order these came out in. I guess I should work on that. We'll talk soon Internet. Very soon. I mean seriously, who can afford therapy in this economy!

Happy Sunday!

Sometimes I forget that you aren’t my friend......

You know when you lie to me about where you've been ....
WHO you have been doing.......and when.
You do realise it doesn't matter anymore right? What matters is honesty. Telling me the truth or not saying anything at all. Because, hey, you already got to stomp on it once...shame on me. There already were second chances, and thirds, and guess what??!?!? No more. That Game is over.
So here are the new rules.......Don't bother to lie to me. You aren't very good at it and don't surround me with your play things (myspace - please delete me). I'm embarassed to know you in public, and I'm saddened by that fact alone.
You know how being with the person you love is supposed to make you stronger? Well when it goes wrong, it seems to turn into self hatred and humiliation. I don't want you that close to me, where someone might see us together.
All that....I will love you for the person you WERE. But he got swallowed and replaced with THIS guy. I will treasure the many happy years we had and keep trying to learn from the others. But I will be going down that path with someone new. Someone who will appreciate me for the good, loving, and caring person I am. Who will be attracted to me for the whole package. Someone not looking for the anti-me. So I'll feel okay being older, not as slim, and myself. Also....I'm not as ugly as you make me feel.
So glad you had a good weekend, seems like you had a nice time in Dallas. I'm sure the shopping was great, and thanks for the "after glow" phone call full of lies......Seriously, that's just rude.

P.S. Karma is a bitch...didja' feel that smack? Nope, not from me.....

The latest of Indignities...

Okay, so it turns out I couldn't live on my own for financial reasons. So Mr. Y and I discussed it ans I'm moving back in for financial reasons. However, there is a catch...always is a little favor usually costs a pound of flesh and this time is no different. One of the escorts he bought and banged and who won't sleep with him anymore is moving in to. Yup, I said it, I am going to move in second after an escort. Awkward much? Can't get over the overwhelming desire to punch her and HIM in the face. Hard. Like break bones and possibly shove the bone into their brains hard. You know, that red freaking' hot rage type of hard? I think they would call this pre-meditated, but I swear...it wouldn't be. It would be so perfect in the moment. I'm having problems imagining the depths I have to bury my emotions to deal with this situation. I need to type more later. In case you can't tell, I have been trying to bury my thoughts in VODKA. I think I hate him for this.......forever. I'll edit more later. But I had to try and get some out...you understand ...you are still "attracted" to me.
Ciao.

Today Sissy went to Heaven

My baby kitty Sissy went to heaven today. She got really sick really fast and her kidneys shut down. I spent a long and loving night with her and this morning the vet said she wasn't going to be able to fight her way out of it. She would be miserable and to weak to move and be herself.

The look in her eyes said it all.

I loved her and I will miss her. She was the only version of a child I ever had. She was 18 years old and was loved everyday of her life.

I'll miss my baby girl. She had the softest fur, and the sweetest smile. A huge personality and she loved me back.

May God bless her and keep her safe and happy.

The thrill of meeting someone new....

If this is a game, then we are on the hunt. That means meeting is akin to the kill. Or does that come later? (bad pun, but you know me....)

I love meeting new people. And so far I have been more than pleasantly surprised by the gentlemen I have met. They out number the cads by a serious ratio. I love talking about everything and nothing and just being with a new person.

Getting a glimpse of the world through their eyes is exciting. I mean you can talk on the phone, or IM until your fingers tingle, but actually, touching, hearing, seeing, and even smelling someone is pretty euphoric.

Now before you start thinking I'm insane (am I too late?), there is the thrill of a new adventure, the possibility of something wonderful, and the expectation of greatness, when you meet. Who doesn't want to pull up to the restaurant, or coffee shop and see the person of their dreams sitting there....only to realize they ARE waiting for you? And the light of recognition is a thing to behold. The "oh Thank God they aren't quasi-moto" aspect is always nice too.(You can see it in their eyes ...IF you passed muster that is...)

That great first date will set the tone forever...and aren't first dates great in all their awkwardness? It's fun, you can either be the person you want them to think you are...or you can be yourself and hope they can deal.

Personally, I like me, I take me everywhere. And sometimes, dates wish I brought someone else. But women are chameleons in their lives too often. I have finally tapped into who I am, and frankly, now you get to meet her, (Wait come back, I'm not THAT scary).

I'm having a wonderful time meeting all of you. I hope your not disappointed, though I know some of you are. Even the worst dates have a unique silver lining. You left the house, you took a chance, and if not this time, then maybe the next time, the person of your dreams might be there...waiting for YOU. If not you got dinner, and crossed another person off the imaginary list of frogs to kiss before you find your prince or princess.

Me? I find royalty in everyone. I love the diverse and the unique, the strange and the sane, the total thrill of the hunt. Even though my arrows are imaginary, my memories will be forever.

Thank you for coming on my safari.

P.S.~ I'm definitely a catch and release girl.

Sweetness and Light eminate from my......

Aloha! I have been in a pretty dark place lately and my posts seem to reflect a lot of negative, if constructive, energy. I sorely tried to just get some things off my chest and move on...a brain drain if you will. Sorry if you now think I'm a bitter biddy, I'm not. Really, I'm not!So I have decided to write about some things that are a simple pleasure and delight to me when encountered in the "real world".

1) When my hair is blowing in the wind and you sweep the loose strands back behind an ear....
2) When you open my door, pull out my chair, or walk on the street side to keep me safe.
3) Your hand casually seeking mine to hold...anywhere, anytime. And the bonus is the thumb rubbing the back of my hand and you aren't even aware your doing it.
4) Guiding me via your hand on the small of my back, when we are walking, or dancing, or even standing still.
5) Small languid kisses on my neck, and shoulders. Caresses on skin.
6) Gentle deep kisses, while being held in firm, not crushing, embraces.
7) Your smile, and the light in your eyes when you see me.
8) Simultaneous laughter, over anything great or small. Simultaneous wonder at life around us.
9) Teaching me something I didn't know, show me the art of it. Woodworking, History, Flora, Fauna, and more. If it's your passion or hobby, or just makes you happy share it with me...
10) Looking into my eyes and not looking away. Intimacy, is in the eyes.
11) Resting my head on your chest/shoulder, listening to your heart beat. Any position.
12) Comfortable silences.
13) Hearing Children laugh, those gut wrenching, laughs.
14) Blowing bubbles in the wind. Watching birds surf the air currents.
15) Eating messy food and letting it run down my chin, neck, and beyond, especially a juicy Mango...Somethings are made for the bathtub.
16) Holding a baby, walking with a toddler unsteady on his or her feet, and walking with a "big kid", who's hand barley fits across your palm.
17) Staring at God's painted skies, watching lightning storms from afar, listening to the rain hit the ground.
18) Making a kitten purr. Or a puppy's tail wag.

All of these things and more....so many more.

They make me smile, they make me feel cherished, and they are just polite and simple.

Spring is almost here....The hives are swarming.

Anticipation is in the air. You can feel the distinct caress of relationships everywhere.

People are smiling, and relaxing and getting friendlier. All in the hope of meeting someone to be with. It's different from winter dating, where your bundled behind a protective shield of clothing and you can hide your identity behind your jacket. Spring is more exposed. Spring shows its undisguised fangs of desire. Spring wants. It changes the flavor of the conversations to something more riddled with inuendo, and yearnings for more...even just one night.

So I'm saying be alert, the hibernation is over. Put on your best game face and be wary of the "to good to be trues"...they are. The predators are out, and so are the frogs. Make sure you aren't kissing an evil prince or princess.

Spring is a liar, it lures the flowers into blooming, and then freezes them on the vine.

Keep your jacket on just a little while longer.

With meaning and love....

The Reality of successful relationships...

Q: Does chemistry fade with time? Is there any way to bring it back?

** Usually after one to two years it starts to wane—the actual chemical levels in your body die down. There are ways to keep the thrill alive, though, like going on vacation with your partner to some exotic place or doing some kind of physically thrilling thing together. An increase in adrenaline levels can help people feel closer.

** Chemistry can fade if you don’t pay attention to it. If communication is minimal due to responsibilities such as time-intensive careers, kids, money etc… life’s demands can contribute to couples misplacing their chemistry. But I think you can find it again.

** Chemistry doesn’t necessarily have to fade with time. What makes it fade is not familiarity, but the fact that many couples get into routine ways of being together and habitual ways of making love. Also many partners give up their independence and their old friends, and start to act out of obligation. They forget that they are two separate individuals and this detracts from the sexual attraction they initially felt. To remedy this, I think it’s important for couples to reminisce, during times of conflict, to the time when the sparks of passion first began to fly between them. It helps them reconnect to the feelings they enjoyed during the early phases of their relationship.

Well then....

10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship
By Margaret Paul

“My parents had a very good relationship,” I often hear my clients say. “What do you mean by good?” I ask. “They didn’t fight. They spent a lot of time with each other.”That may have been the definition of a good relationship years ago, but now most people want more. Following are ten signs of a healthy relationship.

KINDNESS
Is kindness more important to each of you than having your way, being in control, or being right? Do you each receive joy out of being kind to each other? Being kind rather than controlling with each other is essential for a healthy relationship.

SPONTANEOUS WARMTH AND AFFECTION
Do you and your partner well up with warmth and fullness of heart for each other and express it with affection? Are you each able to see the beautiful essence within each other, rather than just the faults? Are you able to get beyond the outer to the unique inner Self of each other? Do you enjoy sharing affection? Warmth and affection are vital for a healthy relationship.

LAUGHTER AND FUN
Can the two of you laugh and play together? Do you appreciate and enjoy each other’s sense of humor? In the midst of difficulties, can you help each other to lighten up with humor? Can you let down and be playful with each other, letting yourselves be like kids together? Laughter and fun play a huge role in a healthy relationship.

ENJOYING TIME TOGETHER AND TIME APART
Are you both each other’s favorite person to spend time with? Are you motivated to set aside time just to be together?
Do both of you have friends and interests that you enjoy doing? Are both of you fine when you are not together?
Some couples spend a lot of time together because they really enjoy it, while others spend a lot of time together out of fear of being alone. It is important for a healthy relationship for each person to have friends and interests, so that they are not dependent on each other. Dependency is not healthy in a relationship, particularly emotional dependency.

A METHOD FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION
All relationships have some conflict. It is not the conflict that is the issue, but how you deal with it. Do you have a method for resolving conflict, or do the issues just keep getting swept aside? If fighting is part of how you deal with conflict, do you fight fair, or are you hurtful when you fight?

LETTING GO OF ANGER
If one or both of you get angry, do you hang on to it, punishing your partner with it, or can you easily let it go? In healthy relationships, both partners are able to quickly move on, back into kindness and affection.

TRUST IN YOUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER
Do you each trust that the love is solid, even in very difficult times between you? Do you each know that you can mess up, fail, disappoint the other, emotionally hurt the other – and the love will still be there? Do you each know that the love is about who you are, not what you do? This level of trust is essential for a healthy relationship.

LISTENING, UNDERSTANDING, ACCEPTING AND LEARNING
Do you each feel heard, understood and accepted? Can you share your secrets with your partner without fearing being judged? Are you each more interested in learning about yourselves and each other than you are in controlling each other? Is listening to each other with an open heart and a desire to understand more important than judging each other or defending yourselves?

SEXUALITY
Is your sexual relationship warm and caring? Can you be sexually spontaneous? Can you talk with each other about what brings pleasure to each of you?

FREEDOM TO BE YOURSELF
Do you each feel free to be all that you are? Do you each feel supported in pursuing what brings you joy? Does your partner feel joy for your joy?
While some people may naturally be open, kind, affectionate, accepting, and emotionally responsible for themselves, most people need to heal the fears and false beliefs they learned in their families. Healthy relationships evolve as each person evolves in his or her ability to be loving to themselves and each other

About The AuthorMargaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner bonding now! Visit her website for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

The last Friday of the year....

So I'm sitting at work watching all the people who ARE NOT WORKING drive by outside. These are the people I keep getting voicemail for. Lovely. My office is alternately hot/cold, I'm alternately nice and not nice. Weather, can't stand the stuff.

Tonight I'm supposed to hear from Mr. Ex, about signing the lease papers. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say....He won't come by, we won't talk and tomorrow he'll stop by for 15 minutes to get the lease for the next 6 months signed. Never mind I need the rent relief, that's of course not HIS problem. It's mine.

Ta da, I hate the relationship stuff. I'm tired of even thinking about it. Lately it has been worse at nights again. I keep thinking that I'm the retaining pond for all the crap. Someone treats him poorly? He turns it around to me. He doesn't get his way? I get the tantrum. He doesn't feel good? I get the pleading take care of me call. But flip the page. I need him...poofda, gone. Not happening. His world is all about him and whatever little person he's pursuing at the time. It isn't about me, and probably never will be. At the end of the day, that is what really hurts. That I'm not a blip on the radar. I don't rank in his world unless he needs something.

I mean really, my car dies. Dead, the end. I'm without transportation and I live alone. We have been talking for YEARS about getting a vehicle and I was the one who said let's just wait until we have to get a new something. It happens and the FIRST thing he says is "I can't help you with this". Okay, no problem, except that 3 weeks later you spent almost $4k on someone else's "wants". You can't help me with anything financial, I haven't asked, but you state it so I won't put it out there and tell me all the reasons it won't happen and then? You spend money like water on frivolous stuff. Yes, maybe I do think it's unfair. But only because I know that you measure the world in it's monetary value. And what you are really saying to me is that I'm not worth anything to you anymore. That to you, I have no value.

Thank god, I don't buy into this stuff. But it hurts just the same; to realise that someone does think of you this way. Late at night when I'm trying to sleep, I think of the reasons I never really got mad, and didn't want to get even. I know why now. I can't think of another way to hurt you other than what you are doing to yourself. I want no part of the unwinding of you. I could hurry things along, and get the lawyer, and point things out to different people, or just tell the truths you have conveniently left out. But as I'm learning to stand on my feet, and you are busy being disappointed that I'm not a helpless woman, I am watching you try to get balance.

You are still monkey barring me and I can't help but to have the same hope. But I think the hope is different. I want you to want me (thanks Cheap Trick). But I don't know if you are what I want. You see, you have had me on the shelf so long, that I'm ready to go explore different paths. If we can't have a conversation soon, I'm giving up completely. You say I don't know how to listen, but you don't even let me finish sentences..."you know", "you'll think about it", these are designed to cut me off. They do because I know it's all about you, and not what I need. And seriously, I'm done trying to schedule conversations so you don't feel "blind-sided". That's just more rhetoric designed to make me not talk to you, and your hopes that I will forget.

Clearly, I'm on the fence balanced between Heaven and Hell here. I've made the wrong choice before, but this time....I think I can choose better. And I know I can take care of myself in the end and that there are people who do...deep down and forever love me. Not drive-by, not maybe, not "I'm not sure if I ever loved you". You still owe me an apology for the "I'm just not attracted to you" statement. That crap is just hurtful. Right up there with the weight gain, and the "not sexually attracted to you" crap. I've seen the replacement models, and I outrank them in every category.

Also, one other little thing....you broke up with me a year after your real ex-girlfriend got married....one year to the day. Your current wanna be girlfriend is a self-proclaimed lesbian. So seriously, you really looking for a companion? I'm thinking you ought to try real dating in order to get some perspective. Actually talk to a woman and JUDGE her on herself, not her physical appearance. Because it's been obvious from the choices you have made after I left....you're not looking for smart girls anymore. We may present to much of a challenge.

Okay, I feel better and that's what this is all about. Can you tell I'm going to have a great New year's weekend? Oh and the Tulsa Symphony was having a great New Year's Black & White ball, I was going to go, I finally had the chance, and they cancelled the damn thing because of the ice storm we had two weeks ago. *sigh* I can't wait for 2008.