So I'm sitting at work watching all the people who ARE NOT WORKING drive by outside. These are the people I keep getting voicemail for. Lovely. My office is alternately hot/cold, I'm alternately nice and not nice. Weather, can't stand the stuff.
Tonight I'm supposed to hear from Mr. Ex, about signing the lease papers. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say....He won't come by, we won't talk and tomorrow he'll stop by for 15 minutes to get the lease for the next 6 months signed. Never mind I need the rent relief, that's of course not HIS problem. It's mine.
Ta da, I hate the relationship stuff. I'm tired of even thinking about it. Lately it has been worse at nights again. I keep thinking that I'm the retaining pond for all the crap. Someone treats him poorly? He turns it around to me. He doesn't get his way? I get the tantrum. He doesn't feel good? I get the pleading take care of me call. But flip the page. I need him...poofda, gone. Not happening. His world is all about him and whatever little person he's pursuing at the time. It isn't about me, and probably never will be. At the end of the day, that is what really hurts. That I'm not a blip on the radar. I don't rank in his world unless he needs something.
I mean really, my car dies. Dead, the end. I'm without transportation and I live alone. We have been talking for YEARS about getting a vehicle and I was the one who said let's just wait until we have to get a new something. It happens and the FIRST thing he says is "I can't help you with this". Okay, no problem, except that 3 weeks later you spent almost $4k on someone else's "wants". You can't help me with anything financial, I haven't asked, but you state it so I won't put it out there and tell me all the reasons it won't happen and then? You spend money like water on frivolous stuff. Yes, maybe I do think it's unfair. But only because I know that you measure the world in it's monetary value. And what you are really saying to me is that I'm not worth anything to you anymore. That to you, I have no value.
Thank god, I don't buy into this stuff. But it hurts just the same; to realise that someone does think of you this way. Late at night when I'm trying to sleep, I think of the reasons I never really got mad, and didn't want to get even. I know why now. I can't think of another way to hurt you other than what you are doing to yourself. I want no part of the unwinding of you. I could hurry things along, and get the lawyer, and point things out to different people, or just tell the truths you have conveniently left out. But as I'm learning to stand on my feet, and you are busy being disappointed that I'm not a helpless woman, I am watching you try to get balance.
You are still monkey barring me and I can't help but to have the same hope. But I think the hope is different. I want you to want me (thanks Cheap Trick). But I don't know if you are what I want. You see, you have had me on the shelf so long, that I'm ready to go explore different paths. If we can't have a conversation soon, I'm giving up completely. You say I don't know how to listen, but you don't even let me finish sentences..."you know", "you'll think about it", these are designed to cut me off. They do because I know it's all about you, and not what I need. And seriously, I'm done trying to schedule conversations so you don't feel "blind-sided". That's just more rhetoric designed to make me not talk to you, and your hopes that I will forget.
Clearly, I'm on the fence balanced between Heaven and Hell here. I've made the wrong choice before, but this time....I think I can choose better. And I know I can take care of myself in the end and that there are people who do...deep down and forever love me. Not drive-by, not maybe, not "I'm not sure if I ever loved you". You still owe me an apology for the "I'm just not attracted to you" statement. That crap is just hurtful. Right up there with the weight gain, and the "not sexually attracted to you" crap. I've seen the replacement models, and I outrank them in every category.
Also, one other little thing....you broke up with me a year after your real ex-girlfriend got married....one year to the day. Your current wanna be girlfriend is a self-proclaimed lesbian. So seriously, you really looking for a companion? I'm thinking you ought to try real dating in order to get some perspective. Actually talk to a woman and JUDGE her on herself, not her physical appearance. Because it's been obvious from the choices you have made after I left....you're not looking for smart girls anymore. We may present to much of a challenge.
Okay, I feel better and that's what this is all about. Can you tell I'm going to have a great New year's weekend? Oh and the Tulsa Symphony was having a great New Year's Black & White ball, I was going to go, I finally had the chance, and they cancelled the damn thing because of the ice storm we had two weeks ago. *sigh* I can't wait for 2008.
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