Dampening down the confusion....

I never mailed the letter to Mr. Ex. Our "relationship" as it is right now is beyond confusing. Nice one day, irritated the next, needing the next, comforting the next, and silent for days.*sigh*

I'm over thinking things again. I need help. Not therapy or financially or that kind of help. I need his input. I need a real conversation that has ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WAS US. That subject is taboo. And using the logic I learned in college..... since I am "of that subject= I am therefore taboo" too. The word that most bothers him and sends him screaming towards the hills is "us". I say we need to talk about "us"; that man has somewhere to be, or something to do.

Unfortunately the fates have linked us together. I need his signatures on things, like my lease. I need his assistance in physical things, and computer or AV stuff. I need to see my "children", my cats. I didn't tell it here but one of my cats got horribly sick and died on Halloween. I needed him then too.

I need someone who knows me, or at least of me and has shared life a little. He has 21 years of me in his heart. I know he loves me, that's the only way all of this could ever have hurt so bad. I know I will love him forever, even though I may not be with him. But I also know that we need to come together and resolve to be friends before I can move on. I need some form of closure. If I really do pull up the stakes and move on...I think the urge to not look back again would be too strong. That's a hell of a thing....dropping 21 years of your life with someone, by the side of the road. But I can honestly say that I think I can do it. I'm just not sure if I should. In my mind and in my heart, I think that's the easy way out. I'm not a coward and that's not my style.

He asked me to leave. He threw me out (metaphorically) of his life. He hadn't been in a relationship with me for years. I wasn't even second best to him. So why do I fight? Why do I care? Because I don't want to have wasted my love and my life on nothing. I need something worthwhile to be in the ashes of our relationship. Maybe it needed to hit the bottom, and be re-born of newer, stronger bonds. Or maybe he just had a huge mid-life crisis, and I just kept blinders on and shied away. You see I knew there were problems, I just didn't ever rock the cart. I was in it to make him happy, never wanting to upset him, and just keeps things level. I buried myself in that time. I lost me and my voice. So now I need to be heard. I need to be acknowledged, and understood. We need to be equals. Give and take on both our parts, not a giver and a taker, each playing a role. That's not a winning relationship. It's misery and company.

Oh well, these are the day after Christmas ramblings.

I had a wonderful Christmas. I hope you did too.