Q: Does chemistry fade with time? Is there any way to bring it back?
** Usually after one to two years it starts to wane—the actual chemical levels in your body die down. There are ways to keep the thrill alive, though, like going on vacation with your partner to some exotic place or doing some kind of physically thrilling thing together. An increase in adrenaline levels can help people feel closer.
** Chemistry can fade if you don’t pay attention to it. If communication is minimal due to responsibilities such as time-intensive careers, kids, money etc… life’s demands can contribute to couples misplacing their chemistry. But I think you can find it again.
** Chemistry doesn’t necessarily have to fade with time. What makes it fade is not familiarity, but the fact that many couples get into routine ways of being together and habitual ways of making love. Also many partners give up their independence and their old friends, and start to act out of obligation. They forget that they are two separate individuals and this detracts from the sexual attraction they initially felt. To remedy this, I think it’s important for couples to reminisce, during times of conflict, to the time when the sparks of passion first began to fly between them. It helps them reconnect to the feelings they enjoyed during the early phases of their relationship.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Well then....
10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship
By Margaret Paul
“My parents had a very good relationship,” I often hear my clients say. “What do you mean by good?” I ask. “They didn’t fight. They spent a lot of time with each other.”That may have been the definition of a good relationship years ago, but now most people want more. Following are ten signs of a healthy relationship.
KINDNESS
Is kindness more important to each of you than having your way, being in control, or being right? Do you each receive joy out of being kind to each other? Being kind rather than controlling with each other is essential for a healthy relationship.
SPONTANEOUS WARMTH AND AFFECTION
Do you and your partner well up with warmth and fullness of heart for each other and express it with affection? Are you each able to see the beautiful essence within each other, rather than just the faults? Are you able to get beyond the outer to the unique inner Self of each other? Do you enjoy sharing affection? Warmth and affection are vital for a healthy relationship.
LAUGHTER AND FUN
Can the two of you laugh and play together? Do you appreciate and enjoy each other’s sense of humor? In the midst of difficulties, can you help each other to lighten up with humor? Can you let down and be playful with each other, letting yourselves be like kids together? Laughter and fun play a huge role in a healthy relationship.
ENJOYING TIME TOGETHER AND TIME APART
Are you both each other’s favorite person to spend time with? Are you motivated to set aside time just to be together?
Do both of you have friends and interests that you enjoy doing? Are both of you fine when you are not together?
Some couples spend a lot of time together because they really enjoy it, while others spend a lot of time together out of fear of being alone. It is important for a healthy relationship for each person to have friends and interests, so that they are not dependent on each other. Dependency is not healthy in a relationship, particularly emotional dependency.
A METHOD FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION
All relationships have some conflict. It is not the conflict that is the issue, but how you deal with it. Do you have a method for resolving conflict, or do the issues just keep getting swept aside? If fighting is part of how you deal with conflict, do you fight fair, or are you hurtful when you fight?
LETTING GO OF ANGER
If one or both of you get angry, do you hang on to it, punishing your partner with it, or can you easily let it go? In healthy relationships, both partners are able to quickly move on, back into kindness and affection.
TRUST IN YOUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER
Do you each trust that the love is solid, even in very difficult times between you? Do you each know that you can mess up, fail, disappoint the other, emotionally hurt the other – and the love will still be there? Do you each know that the love is about who you are, not what you do? This level of trust is essential for a healthy relationship.
LISTENING, UNDERSTANDING, ACCEPTING AND LEARNING
Do you each feel heard, understood and accepted? Can you share your secrets with your partner without fearing being judged? Are you each more interested in learning about yourselves and each other than you are in controlling each other? Is listening to each other with an open heart and a desire to understand more important than judging each other or defending yourselves?
SEXUALITY
Is your sexual relationship warm and caring? Can you be sexually spontaneous? Can you talk with each other about what brings pleasure to each of you?
FREEDOM TO BE YOURSELF
Do you each feel free to be all that you are? Do you each feel supported in pursuing what brings you joy? Does your partner feel joy for your joy?
While some people may naturally be open, kind, affectionate, accepting, and emotionally responsible for themselves, most people need to heal the fears and false beliefs they learned in their families. Healthy relationships evolve as each person evolves in his or her ability to be loving to themselves and each other
About The AuthorMargaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner bonding now! Visit her website for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
By Margaret Paul
“My parents had a very good relationship,” I often hear my clients say. “What do you mean by good?” I ask. “They didn’t fight. They spent a lot of time with each other.”That may have been the definition of a good relationship years ago, but now most people want more. Following are ten signs of a healthy relationship.
KINDNESS
Is kindness more important to each of you than having your way, being in control, or being right? Do you each receive joy out of being kind to each other? Being kind rather than controlling with each other is essential for a healthy relationship.
SPONTANEOUS WARMTH AND AFFECTION
Do you and your partner well up with warmth and fullness of heart for each other and express it with affection? Are you each able to see the beautiful essence within each other, rather than just the faults? Are you able to get beyond the outer to the unique inner Self of each other? Do you enjoy sharing affection? Warmth and affection are vital for a healthy relationship.
LAUGHTER AND FUN
Can the two of you laugh and play together? Do you appreciate and enjoy each other’s sense of humor? In the midst of difficulties, can you help each other to lighten up with humor? Can you let down and be playful with each other, letting yourselves be like kids together? Laughter and fun play a huge role in a healthy relationship.
ENJOYING TIME TOGETHER AND TIME APART
Are you both each other’s favorite person to spend time with? Are you motivated to set aside time just to be together?
Do both of you have friends and interests that you enjoy doing? Are both of you fine when you are not together?
Some couples spend a lot of time together because they really enjoy it, while others spend a lot of time together out of fear of being alone. It is important for a healthy relationship for each person to have friends and interests, so that they are not dependent on each other. Dependency is not healthy in a relationship, particularly emotional dependency.
A METHOD FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION
All relationships have some conflict. It is not the conflict that is the issue, but how you deal with it. Do you have a method for resolving conflict, or do the issues just keep getting swept aside? If fighting is part of how you deal with conflict, do you fight fair, or are you hurtful when you fight?
LETTING GO OF ANGER
If one or both of you get angry, do you hang on to it, punishing your partner with it, or can you easily let it go? In healthy relationships, both partners are able to quickly move on, back into kindness and affection.
TRUST IN YOUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER
Do you each trust that the love is solid, even in very difficult times between you? Do you each know that you can mess up, fail, disappoint the other, emotionally hurt the other – and the love will still be there? Do you each know that the love is about who you are, not what you do? This level of trust is essential for a healthy relationship.
LISTENING, UNDERSTANDING, ACCEPTING AND LEARNING
Do you each feel heard, understood and accepted? Can you share your secrets with your partner without fearing being judged? Are you each more interested in learning about yourselves and each other than you are in controlling each other? Is listening to each other with an open heart and a desire to understand more important than judging each other or defending yourselves?
SEXUALITY
Is your sexual relationship warm and caring? Can you be sexually spontaneous? Can you talk with each other about what brings pleasure to each of you?
FREEDOM TO BE YOURSELF
Do you each feel free to be all that you are? Do you each feel supported in pursuing what brings you joy? Does your partner feel joy for your joy?
While some people may naturally be open, kind, affectionate, accepting, and emotionally responsible for themselves, most people need to heal the fears and false beliefs they learned in their families. Healthy relationships evolve as each person evolves in his or her ability to be loving to themselves and each other
About The AuthorMargaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner bonding now! Visit her website for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
Friday, December 28, 2007
The last Friday of the year....
So I'm sitting at work watching all the people who ARE NOT WORKING drive by outside. These are the people I keep getting voicemail for. Lovely. My office is alternately hot/cold, I'm alternately nice and not nice. Weather, can't stand the stuff.
Tonight I'm supposed to hear from Mr. Ex, about signing the lease papers. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say....He won't come by, we won't talk and tomorrow he'll stop by for 15 minutes to get the lease for the next 6 months signed. Never mind I need the rent relief, that's of course not HIS problem. It's mine.
Ta da, I hate the relationship stuff. I'm tired of even thinking about it. Lately it has been worse at nights again. I keep thinking that I'm the retaining pond for all the crap. Someone treats him poorly? He turns it around to me. He doesn't get his way? I get the tantrum. He doesn't feel good? I get the pleading take care of me call. But flip the page. I need him...poofda, gone. Not happening. His world is all about him and whatever little person he's pursuing at the time. It isn't about me, and probably never will be. At the end of the day, that is what really hurts. That I'm not a blip on the radar. I don't rank in his world unless he needs something.
I mean really, my car dies. Dead, the end. I'm without transportation and I live alone. We have been talking for YEARS about getting a vehicle and I was the one who said let's just wait until we have to get a new something. It happens and the FIRST thing he says is "I can't help you with this". Okay, no problem, except that 3 weeks later you spent almost $4k on someone else's "wants". You can't help me with anything financial, I haven't asked, but you state it so I won't put it out there and tell me all the reasons it won't happen and then? You spend money like water on frivolous stuff. Yes, maybe I do think it's unfair. But only because I know that you measure the world in it's monetary value. And what you are really saying to me is that I'm not worth anything to you anymore. That to you, I have no value.
Thank god, I don't buy into this stuff. But it hurts just the same; to realise that someone does think of you this way. Late at night when I'm trying to sleep, I think of the reasons I never really got mad, and didn't want to get even. I know why now. I can't think of another way to hurt you other than what you are doing to yourself. I want no part of the unwinding of you. I could hurry things along, and get the lawyer, and point things out to different people, or just tell the truths you have conveniently left out. But as I'm learning to stand on my feet, and you are busy being disappointed that I'm not a helpless woman, I am watching you try to get balance.
You are still monkey barring me and I can't help but to have the same hope. But I think the hope is different. I want you to want me (thanks Cheap Trick). But I don't know if you are what I want. You see, you have had me on the shelf so long, that I'm ready to go explore different paths. If we can't have a conversation soon, I'm giving up completely. You say I don't know how to listen, but you don't even let me finish sentences..."you know", "you'll think about it", these are designed to cut me off. They do because I know it's all about you, and not what I need. And seriously, I'm done trying to schedule conversations so you don't feel "blind-sided". That's just more rhetoric designed to make me not talk to you, and your hopes that I will forget.
Clearly, I'm on the fence balanced between Heaven and Hell here. I've made the wrong choice before, but this time....I think I can choose better. And I know I can take care of myself in the end and that there are people who do...deep down and forever love me. Not drive-by, not maybe, not "I'm not sure if I ever loved you". You still owe me an apology for the "I'm just not attracted to you" statement. That crap is just hurtful. Right up there with the weight gain, and the "not sexually attracted to you" crap. I've seen the replacement models, and I outrank them in every category.
Also, one other little thing....you broke up with me a year after your real ex-girlfriend got married....one year to the day. Your current wanna be girlfriend is a self-proclaimed lesbian. So seriously, you really looking for a companion? I'm thinking you ought to try real dating in order to get some perspective. Actually talk to a woman and JUDGE her on herself, not her physical appearance. Because it's been obvious from the choices you have made after I left....you're not looking for smart girls anymore. We may present to much of a challenge.
Okay, I feel better and that's what this is all about. Can you tell I'm going to have a great New year's weekend? Oh and the Tulsa Symphony was having a great New Year's Black & White ball, I was going to go, I finally had the chance, and they cancelled the damn thing because of the ice storm we had two weeks ago. *sigh* I can't wait for 2008.
Tonight I'm supposed to hear from Mr. Ex, about signing the lease papers. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say....He won't come by, we won't talk and tomorrow he'll stop by for 15 minutes to get the lease for the next 6 months signed. Never mind I need the rent relief, that's of course not HIS problem. It's mine.
Ta da, I hate the relationship stuff. I'm tired of even thinking about it. Lately it has been worse at nights again. I keep thinking that I'm the retaining pond for all the crap. Someone treats him poorly? He turns it around to me. He doesn't get his way? I get the tantrum. He doesn't feel good? I get the pleading take care of me call. But flip the page. I need him...poofda, gone. Not happening. His world is all about him and whatever little person he's pursuing at the time. It isn't about me, and probably never will be. At the end of the day, that is what really hurts. That I'm not a blip on the radar. I don't rank in his world unless he needs something.
I mean really, my car dies. Dead, the end. I'm without transportation and I live alone. We have been talking for YEARS about getting a vehicle and I was the one who said let's just wait until we have to get a new something. It happens and the FIRST thing he says is "I can't help you with this". Okay, no problem, except that 3 weeks later you spent almost $4k on someone else's "wants". You can't help me with anything financial, I haven't asked, but you state it so I won't put it out there and tell me all the reasons it won't happen and then? You spend money like water on frivolous stuff. Yes, maybe I do think it's unfair. But only because I know that you measure the world in it's monetary value. And what you are really saying to me is that I'm not worth anything to you anymore. That to you, I have no value.
Thank god, I don't buy into this stuff. But it hurts just the same; to realise that someone does think of you this way. Late at night when I'm trying to sleep, I think of the reasons I never really got mad, and didn't want to get even. I know why now. I can't think of another way to hurt you other than what you are doing to yourself. I want no part of the unwinding of you. I could hurry things along, and get the lawyer, and point things out to different people, or just tell the truths you have conveniently left out. But as I'm learning to stand on my feet, and you are busy being disappointed that I'm not a helpless woman, I am watching you try to get balance.
You are still monkey barring me and I can't help but to have the same hope. But I think the hope is different. I want you to want me (thanks Cheap Trick). But I don't know if you are what I want. You see, you have had me on the shelf so long, that I'm ready to go explore different paths. If we can't have a conversation soon, I'm giving up completely. You say I don't know how to listen, but you don't even let me finish sentences..."you know", "you'll think about it", these are designed to cut me off. They do because I know it's all about you, and not what I need. And seriously, I'm done trying to schedule conversations so you don't feel "blind-sided". That's just more rhetoric designed to make me not talk to you, and your hopes that I will forget.
Clearly, I'm on the fence balanced between Heaven and Hell here. I've made the wrong choice before, but this time....I think I can choose better. And I know I can take care of myself in the end and that there are people who do...deep down and forever love me. Not drive-by, not maybe, not "I'm not sure if I ever loved you". You still owe me an apology for the "I'm just not attracted to you" statement. That crap is just hurtful. Right up there with the weight gain, and the "not sexually attracted to you" crap. I've seen the replacement models, and I outrank them in every category.
Also, one other little thing....you broke up with me a year after your real ex-girlfriend got married....one year to the day. Your current wanna be girlfriend is a self-proclaimed lesbian. So seriously, you really looking for a companion? I'm thinking you ought to try real dating in order to get some perspective. Actually talk to a woman and JUDGE her on herself, not her physical appearance. Because it's been obvious from the choices you have made after I left....you're not looking for smart girls anymore. We may present to much of a challenge.
Okay, I feel better and that's what this is all about. Can you tell I'm going to have a great New year's weekend? Oh and the Tulsa Symphony was having a great New Year's Black & White ball, I was going to go, I finally had the chance, and they cancelled the damn thing because of the ice storm we had two weeks ago. *sigh* I can't wait for 2008.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
And I named the tree...
Ernestine. Yes, Ernestine. It's a beautiful tree. I decorated it all by myself, and did the lights and hauled her home, and put her in the stand. And is that a story too.
Only 4 people got to see Ernestine this year though. That's not very many and she is a beautiful tree. no packages under her skirt anymore, but the lights are still on with all the crystal icicles and the beautiful ornaments. It was a very different Christmas this year than last.
I had many spirits on Christmas eve, and a wonderful friend came over to help me fight off the years remaining demons. I also didn't have to wake up on Christmas morning alone. Friends are the greatest invention of God's ever. I was actually terrified of waking up alone on Christmas day. It was one new experience I didn't want this year. I have had all the new life experiences this year I can handle.
Well more on all later.
Have a Merry, Happy Holiday season.
P.S. Today is Kwanzaa...in case you were wondering...and Christmas is until Jan. 6th....:)
Only 4 people got to see Ernestine this year though. That's not very many and she is a beautiful tree. no packages under her skirt anymore, but the lights are still on with all the crystal icicles and the beautiful ornaments. It was a very different Christmas this year than last.
I had many spirits on Christmas eve, and a wonderful friend came over to help me fight off the years remaining demons. I also didn't have to wake up on Christmas morning alone. Friends are the greatest invention of God's ever. I was actually terrified of waking up alone on Christmas day. It was one new experience I didn't want this year. I have had all the new life experiences this year I can handle.
Well more on all later.
Have a Merry, Happy Holiday season.
P.S. Today is Kwanzaa...in case you were wondering...and Christmas is until Jan. 6th....:)
Dampening down the confusion....
I never mailed the letter to Mr. Ex. Our "relationship" as it is right now is beyond confusing. Nice one day, irritated the next, needing the next, comforting the next, and silent for days.*sigh*
I'm over thinking things again. I need help. Not therapy or financially or that kind of help. I need his input. I need a real conversation that has ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WAS US. That subject is taboo. And using the logic I learned in college..... since I am "of that subject= I am therefore taboo" too. The word that most bothers him and sends him screaming towards the hills is "us". I say we need to talk about "us"; that man has somewhere to be, or something to do.
Unfortunately the fates have linked us together. I need his signatures on things, like my lease. I need his assistance in physical things, and computer or AV stuff. I need to see my "children", my cats. I didn't tell it here but one of my cats got horribly sick and died on Halloween. I needed him then too.
I need someone who knows me, or at least of me and has shared life a little. He has 21 years of me in his heart. I know he loves me, that's the only way all of this could ever have hurt so bad. I know I will love him forever, even though I may not be with him. But I also know that we need to come together and resolve to be friends before I can move on. I need some form of closure. If I really do pull up the stakes and move on...I think the urge to not look back again would be too strong. That's a hell of a thing....dropping 21 years of your life with someone, by the side of the road. But I can honestly say that I think I can do it. I'm just not sure if I should. In my mind and in my heart, I think that's the easy way out. I'm not a coward and that's not my style.
He asked me to leave. He threw me out (metaphorically) of his life. He hadn't been in a relationship with me for years. I wasn't even second best to him. So why do I fight? Why do I care? Because I don't want to have wasted my love and my life on nothing. I need something worthwhile to be in the ashes of our relationship. Maybe it needed to hit the bottom, and be re-born of newer, stronger bonds. Or maybe he just had a huge mid-life crisis, and I just kept blinders on and shied away. You see I knew there were problems, I just didn't ever rock the cart. I was in it to make him happy, never wanting to upset him, and just keeps things level. I buried myself in that time. I lost me and my voice. So now I need to be heard. I need to be acknowledged, and understood. We need to be equals. Give and take on both our parts, not a giver and a taker, each playing a role. That's not a winning relationship. It's misery and company.
Oh well, these are the day after Christmas ramblings.
I had a wonderful Christmas. I hope you did too.
I'm over thinking things again. I need help. Not therapy or financially or that kind of help. I need his input. I need a real conversation that has ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WAS US. That subject is taboo. And using the logic I learned in college..... since I am "of that subject= I am therefore taboo" too. The word that most bothers him and sends him screaming towards the hills is "us". I say we need to talk about "us"; that man has somewhere to be, or something to do.
Unfortunately the fates have linked us together. I need his signatures on things, like my lease. I need his assistance in physical things, and computer or AV stuff. I need to see my "children", my cats. I didn't tell it here but one of my cats got horribly sick and died on Halloween. I needed him then too.
I need someone who knows me, or at least of me and has shared life a little. He has 21 years of me in his heart. I know he loves me, that's the only way all of this could ever have hurt so bad. I know I will love him forever, even though I may not be with him. But I also know that we need to come together and resolve to be friends before I can move on. I need some form of closure. If I really do pull up the stakes and move on...I think the urge to not look back again would be too strong. That's a hell of a thing....dropping 21 years of your life with someone, by the side of the road. But I can honestly say that I think I can do it. I'm just not sure if I should. In my mind and in my heart, I think that's the easy way out. I'm not a coward and that's not my style.
He asked me to leave. He threw me out (metaphorically) of his life. He hadn't been in a relationship with me for years. I wasn't even second best to him. So why do I fight? Why do I care? Because I don't want to have wasted my love and my life on nothing. I need something worthwhile to be in the ashes of our relationship. Maybe it needed to hit the bottom, and be re-born of newer, stronger bonds. Or maybe he just had a huge mid-life crisis, and I just kept blinders on and shied away. You see I knew there were problems, I just didn't ever rock the cart. I was in it to make him happy, never wanting to upset him, and just keeps things level. I buried myself in that time. I lost me and my voice. So now I need to be heard. I need to be acknowledged, and understood. We need to be equals. Give and take on both our parts, not a giver and a taker, each playing a role. That's not a winning relationship. It's misery and company.
Oh well, these are the day after Christmas ramblings.
I had a wonderful Christmas. I hope you did too.
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