Q: Does chemistry fade with time? Is there any way to bring it back?
** Usually after one to two years it starts to wane—the actual chemical levels in your body die down. There are ways to keep the thrill alive, though, like going on vacation with your partner to some exotic place or doing some kind of physically thrilling thing together. An increase in adrenaline levels can help people feel closer.
** Chemistry can fade if you don’t pay attention to it. If communication is minimal due to responsibilities such as time-intensive careers, kids, money etc… life’s demands can contribute to couples misplacing their chemistry. But I think you can find it again.
** Chemistry doesn’t necessarily have to fade with time. What makes it fade is not familiarity, but the fact that many couples get into routine ways of being together and habitual ways of making love. Also many partners give up their independence and their old friends, and start to act out of obligation. They forget that they are two separate individuals and this detracts from the sexual attraction they initially felt. To remedy this, I think it’s important for couples to reminisce, during times of conflict, to the time when the sparks of passion first began to fly between them. It helps them reconnect to the feelings they enjoyed during the early phases of their relationship.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Well then....
10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship
By Margaret Paul
“My parents had a very good relationship,” I often hear my clients say. “What do you mean by good?” I ask. “They didn’t fight. They spent a lot of time with each other.”That may have been the definition of a good relationship years ago, but now most people want more. Following are ten signs of a healthy relationship.
KINDNESS
Is kindness more important to each of you than having your way, being in control, or being right? Do you each receive joy out of being kind to each other? Being kind rather than controlling with each other is essential for a healthy relationship.
SPONTANEOUS WARMTH AND AFFECTION
Do you and your partner well up with warmth and fullness of heart for each other and express it with affection? Are you each able to see the beautiful essence within each other, rather than just the faults? Are you able to get beyond the outer to the unique inner Self of each other? Do you enjoy sharing affection? Warmth and affection are vital for a healthy relationship.
LAUGHTER AND FUN
Can the two of you laugh and play together? Do you appreciate and enjoy each other’s sense of humor? In the midst of difficulties, can you help each other to lighten up with humor? Can you let down and be playful with each other, letting yourselves be like kids together? Laughter and fun play a huge role in a healthy relationship.
ENJOYING TIME TOGETHER AND TIME APART
Are you both each other’s favorite person to spend time with? Are you motivated to set aside time just to be together?
Do both of you have friends and interests that you enjoy doing? Are both of you fine when you are not together?
Some couples spend a lot of time together because they really enjoy it, while others spend a lot of time together out of fear of being alone. It is important for a healthy relationship for each person to have friends and interests, so that they are not dependent on each other. Dependency is not healthy in a relationship, particularly emotional dependency.
A METHOD FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION
All relationships have some conflict. It is not the conflict that is the issue, but how you deal with it. Do you have a method for resolving conflict, or do the issues just keep getting swept aside? If fighting is part of how you deal with conflict, do you fight fair, or are you hurtful when you fight?
LETTING GO OF ANGER
If one or both of you get angry, do you hang on to it, punishing your partner with it, or can you easily let it go? In healthy relationships, both partners are able to quickly move on, back into kindness and affection.
TRUST IN YOUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER
Do you each trust that the love is solid, even in very difficult times between you? Do you each know that you can mess up, fail, disappoint the other, emotionally hurt the other – and the love will still be there? Do you each know that the love is about who you are, not what you do? This level of trust is essential for a healthy relationship.
LISTENING, UNDERSTANDING, ACCEPTING AND LEARNING
Do you each feel heard, understood and accepted? Can you share your secrets with your partner without fearing being judged? Are you each more interested in learning about yourselves and each other than you are in controlling each other? Is listening to each other with an open heart and a desire to understand more important than judging each other or defending yourselves?
SEXUALITY
Is your sexual relationship warm and caring? Can you be sexually spontaneous? Can you talk with each other about what brings pleasure to each of you?
FREEDOM TO BE YOURSELF
Do you each feel free to be all that you are? Do you each feel supported in pursuing what brings you joy? Does your partner feel joy for your joy?
While some people may naturally be open, kind, affectionate, accepting, and emotionally responsible for themselves, most people need to heal the fears and false beliefs they learned in their families. Healthy relationships evolve as each person evolves in his or her ability to be loving to themselves and each other
About The AuthorMargaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner bonding now! Visit her website for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
By Margaret Paul
“My parents had a very good relationship,” I often hear my clients say. “What do you mean by good?” I ask. “They didn’t fight. They spent a lot of time with each other.”That may have been the definition of a good relationship years ago, but now most people want more. Following are ten signs of a healthy relationship.
KINDNESS
Is kindness more important to each of you than having your way, being in control, or being right? Do you each receive joy out of being kind to each other? Being kind rather than controlling with each other is essential for a healthy relationship.
SPONTANEOUS WARMTH AND AFFECTION
Do you and your partner well up with warmth and fullness of heart for each other and express it with affection? Are you each able to see the beautiful essence within each other, rather than just the faults? Are you able to get beyond the outer to the unique inner Self of each other? Do you enjoy sharing affection? Warmth and affection are vital for a healthy relationship.
LAUGHTER AND FUN
Can the two of you laugh and play together? Do you appreciate and enjoy each other’s sense of humor? In the midst of difficulties, can you help each other to lighten up with humor? Can you let down and be playful with each other, letting yourselves be like kids together? Laughter and fun play a huge role in a healthy relationship.
ENJOYING TIME TOGETHER AND TIME APART
Are you both each other’s favorite person to spend time with? Are you motivated to set aside time just to be together?
Do both of you have friends and interests that you enjoy doing? Are both of you fine when you are not together?
Some couples spend a lot of time together because they really enjoy it, while others spend a lot of time together out of fear of being alone. It is important for a healthy relationship for each person to have friends and interests, so that they are not dependent on each other. Dependency is not healthy in a relationship, particularly emotional dependency.
A METHOD FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION
All relationships have some conflict. It is not the conflict that is the issue, but how you deal with it. Do you have a method for resolving conflict, or do the issues just keep getting swept aside? If fighting is part of how you deal with conflict, do you fight fair, or are you hurtful when you fight?
LETTING GO OF ANGER
If one or both of you get angry, do you hang on to it, punishing your partner with it, or can you easily let it go? In healthy relationships, both partners are able to quickly move on, back into kindness and affection.
TRUST IN YOUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER
Do you each trust that the love is solid, even in very difficult times between you? Do you each know that you can mess up, fail, disappoint the other, emotionally hurt the other – and the love will still be there? Do you each know that the love is about who you are, not what you do? This level of trust is essential for a healthy relationship.
LISTENING, UNDERSTANDING, ACCEPTING AND LEARNING
Do you each feel heard, understood and accepted? Can you share your secrets with your partner without fearing being judged? Are you each more interested in learning about yourselves and each other than you are in controlling each other? Is listening to each other with an open heart and a desire to understand more important than judging each other or defending yourselves?
SEXUALITY
Is your sexual relationship warm and caring? Can you be sexually spontaneous? Can you talk with each other about what brings pleasure to each of you?
FREEDOM TO BE YOURSELF
Do you each feel free to be all that you are? Do you each feel supported in pursuing what brings you joy? Does your partner feel joy for your joy?
While some people may naturally be open, kind, affectionate, accepting, and emotionally responsible for themselves, most people need to heal the fears and false beliefs they learned in their families. Healthy relationships evolve as each person evolves in his or her ability to be loving to themselves and each other
About The AuthorMargaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner bonding now! Visit her website for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
Friday, December 28, 2007
The last Friday of the year....
So I'm sitting at work watching all the people who ARE NOT WORKING drive by outside. These are the people I keep getting voicemail for. Lovely. My office is alternately hot/cold, I'm alternately nice and not nice. Weather, can't stand the stuff.
Tonight I'm supposed to hear from Mr. Ex, about signing the lease papers. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say....He won't come by, we won't talk and tomorrow he'll stop by for 15 minutes to get the lease for the next 6 months signed. Never mind I need the rent relief, that's of course not HIS problem. It's mine.
Ta da, I hate the relationship stuff. I'm tired of even thinking about it. Lately it has been worse at nights again. I keep thinking that I'm the retaining pond for all the crap. Someone treats him poorly? He turns it around to me. He doesn't get his way? I get the tantrum. He doesn't feel good? I get the pleading take care of me call. But flip the page. I need him...poofda, gone. Not happening. His world is all about him and whatever little person he's pursuing at the time. It isn't about me, and probably never will be. At the end of the day, that is what really hurts. That I'm not a blip on the radar. I don't rank in his world unless he needs something.
I mean really, my car dies. Dead, the end. I'm without transportation and I live alone. We have been talking for YEARS about getting a vehicle and I was the one who said let's just wait until we have to get a new something. It happens and the FIRST thing he says is "I can't help you with this". Okay, no problem, except that 3 weeks later you spent almost $4k on someone else's "wants". You can't help me with anything financial, I haven't asked, but you state it so I won't put it out there and tell me all the reasons it won't happen and then? You spend money like water on frivolous stuff. Yes, maybe I do think it's unfair. But only because I know that you measure the world in it's monetary value. And what you are really saying to me is that I'm not worth anything to you anymore. That to you, I have no value.
Thank god, I don't buy into this stuff. But it hurts just the same; to realise that someone does think of you this way. Late at night when I'm trying to sleep, I think of the reasons I never really got mad, and didn't want to get even. I know why now. I can't think of another way to hurt you other than what you are doing to yourself. I want no part of the unwinding of you. I could hurry things along, and get the lawyer, and point things out to different people, or just tell the truths you have conveniently left out. But as I'm learning to stand on my feet, and you are busy being disappointed that I'm not a helpless woman, I am watching you try to get balance.
You are still monkey barring me and I can't help but to have the same hope. But I think the hope is different. I want you to want me (thanks Cheap Trick). But I don't know if you are what I want. You see, you have had me on the shelf so long, that I'm ready to go explore different paths. If we can't have a conversation soon, I'm giving up completely. You say I don't know how to listen, but you don't even let me finish sentences..."you know", "you'll think about it", these are designed to cut me off. They do because I know it's all about you, and not what I need. And seriously, I'm done trying to schedule conversations so you don't feel "blind-sided". That's just more rhetoric designed to make me not talk to you, and your hopes that I will forget.
Clearly, I'm on the fence balanced between Heaven and Hell here. I've made the wrong choice before, but this time....I think I can choose better. And I know I can take care of myself in the end and that there are people who do...deep down and forever love me. Not drive-by, not maybe, not "I'm not sure if I ever loved you". You still owe me an apology for the "I'm just not attracted to you" statement. That crap is just hurtful. Right up there with the weight gain, and the "not sexually attracted to you" crap. I've seen the replacement models, and I outrank them in every category.
Also, one other little thing....you broke up with me a year after your real ex-girlfriend got married....one year to the day. Your current wanna be girlfriend is a self-proclaimed lesbian. So seriously, you really looking for a companion? I'm thinking you ought to try real dating in order to get some perspective. Actually talk to a woman and JUDGE her on herself, not her physical appearance. Because it's been obvious from the choices you have made after I left....you're not looking for smart girls anymore. We may present to much of a challenge.
Okay, I feel better and that's what this is all about. Can you tell I'm going to have a great New year's weekend? Oh and the Tulsa Symphony was having a great New Year's Black & White ball, I was going to go, I finally had the chance, and they cancelled the damn thing because of the ice storm we had two weeks ago. *sigh* I can't wait for 2008.
Tonight I'm supposed to hear from Mr. Ex, about signing the lease papers. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say....He won't come by, we won't talk and tomorrow he'll stop by for 15 minutes to get the lease for the next 6 months signed. Never mind I need the rent relief, that's of course not HIS problem. It's mine.
Ta da, I hate the relationship stuff. I'm tired of even thinking about it. Lately it has been worse at nights again. I keep thinking that I'm the retaining pond for all the crap. Someone treats him poorly? He turns it around to me. He doesn't get his way? I get the tantrum. He doesn't feel good? I get the pleading take care of me call. But flip the page. I need him...poofda, gone. Not happening. His world is all about him and whatever little person he's pursuing at the time. It isn't about me, and probably never will be. At the end of the day, that is what really hurts. That I'm not a blip on the radar. I don't rank in his world unless he needs something.
I mean really, my car dies. Dead, the end. I'm without transportation and I live alone. We have been talking for YEARS about getting a vehicle and I was the one who said let's just wait until we have to get a new something. It happens and the FIRST thing he says is "I can't help you with this". Okay, no problem, except that 3 weeks later you spent almost $4k on someone else's "wants". You can't help me with anything financial, I haven't asked, but you state it so I won't put it out there and tell me all the reasons it won't happen and then? You spend money like water on frivolous stuff. Yes, maybe I do think it's unfair. But only because I know that you measure the world in it's monetary value. And what you are really saying to me is that I'm not worth anything to you anymore. That to you, I have no value.
Thank god, I don't buy into this stuff. But it hurts just the same; to realise that someone does think of you this way. Late at night when I'm trying to sleep, I think of the reasons I never really got mad, and didn't want to get even. I know why now. I can't think of another way to hurt you other than what you are doing to yourself. I want no part of the unwinding of you. I could hurry things along, and get the lawyer, and point things out to different people, or just tell the truths you have conveniently left out. But as I'm learning to stand on my feet, and you are busy being disappointed that I'm not a helpless woman, I am watching you try to get balance.
You are still monkey barring me and I can't help but to have the same hope. But I think the hope is different. I want you to want me (thanks Cheap Trick). But I don't know if you are what I want. You see, you have had me on the shelf so long, that I'm ready to go explore different paths. If we can't have a conversation soon, I'm giving up completely. You say I don't know how to listen, but you don't even let me finish sentences..."you know", "you'll think about it", these are designed to cut me off. They do because I know it's all about you, and not what I need. And seriously, I'm done trying to schedule conversations so you don't feel "blind-sided". That's just more rhetoric designed to make me not talk to you, and your hopes that I will forget.
Clearly, I'm on the fence balanced between Heaven and Hell here. I've made the wrong choice before, but this time....I think I can choose better. And I know I can take care of myself in the end and that there are people who do...deep down and forever love me. Not drive-by, not maybe, not "I'm not sure if I ever loved you". You still owe me an apology for the "I'm just not attracted to you" statement. That crap is just hurtful. Right up there with the weight gain, and the "not sexually attracted to you" crap. I've seen the replacement models, and I outrank them in every category.
Also, one other little thing....you broke up with me a year after your real ex-girlfriend got married....one year to the day. Your current wanna be girlfriend is a self-proclaimed lesbian. So seriously, you really looking for a companion? I'm thinking you ought to try real dating in order to get some perspective. Actually talk to a woman and JUDGE her on herself, not her physical appearance. Because it's been obvious from the choices you have made after I left....you're not looking for smart girls anymore. We may present to much of a challenge.
Okay, I feel better and that's what this is all about. Can you tell I'm going to have a great New year's weekend? Oh and the Tulsa Symphony was having a great New Year's Black & White ball, I was going to go, I finally had the chance, and they cancelled the damn thing because of the ice storm we had two weeks ago. *sigh* I can't wait for 2008.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
And I named the tree...
Ernestine. Yes, Ernestine. It's a beautiful tree. I decorated it all by myself, and did the lights and hauled her home, and put her in the stand. And is that a story too.
Only 4 people got to see Ernestine this year though. That's not very many and she is a beautiful tree. no packages under her skirt anymore, but the lights are still on with all the crystal icicles and the beautiful ornaments. It was a very different Christmas this year than last.
I had many spirits on Christmas eve, and a wonderful friend came over to help me fight off the years remaining demons. I also didn't have to wake up on Christmas morning alone. Friends are the greatest invention of God's ever. I was actually terrified of waking up alone on Christmas day. It was one new experience I didn't want this year. I have had all the new life experiences this year I can handle.
Well more on all later.
Have a Merry, Happy Holiday season.
P.S. Today is Kwanzaa...in case you were wondering...and Christmas is until Jan. 6th....:)
Only 4 people got to see Ernestine this year though. That's not very many and she is a beautiful tree. no packages under her skirt anymore, but the lights are still on with all the crystal icicles and the beautiful ornaments. It was a very different Christmas this year than last.
I had many spirits on Christmas eve, and a wonderful friend came over to help me fight off the years remaining demons. I also didn't have to wake up on Christmas morning alone. Friends are the greatest invention of God's ever. I was actually terrified of waking up alone on Christmas day. It was one new experience I didn't want this year. I have had all the new life experiences this year I can handle.
Well more on all later.
Have a Merry, Happy Holiday season.
P.S. Today is Kwanzaa...in case you were wondering...and Christmas is until Jan. 6th....:)
Dampening down the confusion....
I never mailed the letter to Mr. Ex. Our "relationship" as it is right now is beyond confusing. Nice one day, irritated the next, needing the next, comforting the next, and silent for days.*sigh*
I'm over thinking things again. I need help. Not therapy or financially or that kind of help. I need his input. I need a real conversation that has ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WAS US. That subject is taboo. And using the logic I learned in college..... since I am "of that subject= I am therefore taboo" too. The word that most bothers him and sends him screaming towards the hills is "us". I say we need to talk about "us"; that man has somewhere to be, or something to do.
Unfortunately the fates have linked us together. I need his signatures on things, like my lease. I need his assistance in physical things, and computer or AV stuff. I need to see my "children", my cats. I didn't tell it here but one of my cats got horribly sick and died on Halloween. I needed him then too.
I need someone who knows me, or at least of me and has shared life a little. He has 21 years of me in his heart. I know he loves me, that's the only way all of this could ever have hurt so bad. I know I will love him forever, even though I may not be with him. But I also know that we need to come together and resolve to be friends before I can move on. I need some form of closure. If I really do pull up the stakes and move on...I think the urge to not look back again would be too strong. That's a hell of a thing....dropping 21 years of your life with someone, by the side of the road. But I can honestly say that I think I can do it. I'm just not sure if I should. In my mind and in my heart, I think that's the easy way out. I'm not a coward and that's not my style.
He asked me to leave. He threw me out (metaphorically) of his life. He hadn't been in a relationship with me for years. I wasn't even second best to him. So why do I fight? Why do I care? Because I don't want to have wasted my love and my life on nothing. I need something worthwhile to be in the ashes of our relationship. Maybe it needed to hit the bottom, and be re-born of newer, stronger bonds. Or maybe he just had a huge mid-life crisis, and I just kept blinders on and shied away. You see I knew there were problems, I just didn't ever rock the cart. I was in it to make him happy, never wanting to upset him, and just keeps things level. I buried myself in that time. I lost me and my voice. So now I need to be heard. I need to be acknowledged, and understood. We need to be equals. Give and take on both our parts, not a giver and a taker, each playing a role. That's not a winning relationship. It's misery and company.
Oh well, these are the day after Christmas ramblings.
I had a wonderful Christmas. I hope you did too.
I'm over thinking things again. I need help. Not therapy or financially or that kind of help. I need his input. I need a real conversation that has ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WAS US. That subject is taboo. And using the logic I learned in college..... since I am "of that subject= I am therefore taboo" too. The word that most bothers him and sends him screaming towards the hills is "us". I say we need to talk about "us"; that man has somewhere to be, or something to do.
Unfortunately the fates have linked us together. I need his signatures on things, like my lease. I need his assistance in physical things, and computer or AV stuff. I need to see my "children", my cats. I didn't tell it here but one of my cats got horribly sick and died on Halloween. I needed him then too.
I need someone who knows me, or at least of me and has shared life a little. He has 21 years of me in his heart. I know he loves me, that's the only way all of this could ever have hurt so bad. I know I will love him forever, even though I may not be with him. But I also know that we need to come together and resolve to be friends before I can move on. I need some form of closure. If I really do pull up the stakes and move on...I think the urge to not look back again would be too strong. That's a hell of a thing....dropping 21 years of your life with someone, by the side of the road. But I can honestly say that I think I can do it. I'm just not sure if I should. In my mind and in my heart, I think that's the easy way out. I'm not a coward and that's not my style.
He asked me to leave. He threw me out (metaphorically) of his life. He hadn't been in a relationship with me for years. I wasn't even second best to him. So why do I fight? Why do I care? Because I don't want to have wasted my love and my life on nothing. I need something worthwhile to be in the ashes of our relationship. Maybe it needed to hit the bottom, and be re-born of newer, stronger bonds. Or maybe he just had a huge mid-life crisis, and I just kept blinders on and shied away. You see I knew there were problems, I just didn't ever rock the cart. I was in it to make him happy, never wanting to upset him, and just keeps things level. I buried myself in that time. I lost me and my voice. So now I need to be heard. I need to be acknowledged, and understood. We need to be equals. Give and take on both our parts, not a giver and a taker, each playing a role. That's not a winning relationship. It's misery and company.
Oh well, these are the day after Christmas ramblings.
I had a wonderful Christmas. I hope you did too.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Dear Mr. Ex....
I need to move on now. I have come to finally realize that you will NEVER be honest and open with me. Nor are you interested in actually working on a relationship with me in particular. I wanted to be your friend and I still had hope that maybe we could be in each others lives. I Love you, but you don't really share those feelings. I don't know what to do with unused or unwanted love and have been trying to figure that out by applying it to my "Hope bank". Well, It's clear you don't want to even look at our relationship. Examine any part of it, or to actually ever give me piece of mind through closure. For everyone that has ever hurt you, you are passing it on to me. And I honestly don't deserve it. You are projecting so many negative things on me I can't keep track anymore, and I don't want to have to defend myself from you trying to feel better by damaging my reputation. I'm Sorry you can't or won't look at me and realize we had a life. It wasn't great, but we weren't even trying. Our life was good, and should have been great. Your all I've ever known of love that didn't come from family. I fear you may be all I ever know.
But that brings us to here. Today. I need to stop asking you to help me with services I can pay for. Its only a way for me to hurt myself by allowing hope into my life. Your love was never blind when it came to me and I fear it never will be. You judge me so harshly, I feel bad about myself when you and I are together. I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm fat, and yet the measuring sticks being used against me are not even in my league. I know I'm a fundamentally good person, I know I am an intelligent woman. I know I'm beautiful and sexy, and quite frankly I'm not fat. I could stand to lose about 20 lbs, but that's not fat. I am funny, and quirky, and I love with all of myself. I give to a fault, never with money but of myself. I am also a very strong and independent woman. I have opinions, and I have a need to communicate. I guess we were never equals and you never wanted an equal. You wanted someone to look up to you and be there at your convenience.
So I need to finish breaking up with you. You keep telling me things that are designed to keep me on the shelf until you are ready. I can't do that. I gave you more than half of my life. If you want to be with me, tell me. If you don't fine. It's not a wait and see proposal. But you really must make a decision about yourself. My love is fluid, and I will never not be in love with you. But I will be loved by whomever I find myself with for my future. I will never take sloppy seconds or thirds again.
You were right you treated me poorly. Very poorly. I told you before I wanted to possibly get an attorney and get a "divorce". You said you and I could save the expenses and work it out. We obviously can't. You won't talk to me, about us.
So we need discuss the removal and division of the rest of "our" and my things. As well as "custody" of the cats. I've been so busy making sure I didn't hurt you in all this I was hurting myself on your behalf. Fortunately, you were busy with other Hobbies, and break-ups with more important people in your life. You never noticed me. Par for the course.
I'm stopping now, but I want a day and a time to come finish getting my stuff and to return to you all of the stuff I have of yours at the apartment. I don't want you to feel that I ever "took" anything from you. I refuse to be lumped in with the people you bought and call friends or lovers.
I'm done being hurt and protecting you. I'm sorry I was never your family and my well being was never a priority. I'm also sorry that in all the world your the only one who never saw me as I am.
Forever to infinity,
Me
But that brings us to here. Today. I need to stop asking you to help me with services I can pay for. Its only a way for me to hurt myself by allowing hope into my life. Your love was never blind when it came to me and I fear it never will be. You judge me so harshly, I feel bad about myself when you and I are together. I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm fat, and yet the measuring sticks being used against me are not even in my league. I know I'm a fundamentally good person, I know I am an intelligent woman. I know I'm beautiful and sexy, and quite frankly I'm not fat. I could stand to lose about 20 lbs, but that's not fat. I am funny, and quirky, and I love with all of myself. I give to a fault, never with money but of myself. I am also a very strong and independent woman. I have opinions, and I have a need to communicate. I guess we were never equals and you never wanted an equal. You wanted someone to look up to you and be there at your convenience.
So I need to finish breaking up with you. You keep telling me things that are designed to keep me on the shelf until you are ready. I can't do that. I gave you more than half of my life. If you want to be with me, tell me. If you don't fine. It's not a wait and see proposal. But you really must make a decision about yourself. My love is fluid, and I will never not be in love with you. But I will be loved by whomever I find myself with for my future. I will never take sloppy seconds or thirds again.
You were right you treated me poorly. Very poorly. I told you before I wanted to possibly get an attorney and get a "divorce". You said you and I could save the expenses and work it out. We obviously can't. You won't talk to me, about us.
So we need discuss the removal and division of the rest of "our" and my things. As well as "custody" of the cats. I've been so busy making sure I didn't hurt you in all this I was hurting myself on your behalf. Fortunately, you were busy with other Hobbies, and break-ups with more important people in your life. You never noticed me. Par for the course.
I'm stopping now, but I want a day and a time to come finish getting my stuff and to return to you all of the stuff I have of yours at the apartment. I don't want you to feel that I ever "took" anything from you. I refuse to be lumped in with the people you bought and call friends or lovers.
I'm done being hurt and protecting you. I'm sorry I was never your family and my well being was never a priority. I'm also sorry that in all the world your the only one who never saw me as I am.
Forever to infinity,
Me
Thursday, August 23, 2007
New nephews
Nathan Thomas -- July 31, 2007 (7.2 lbs, 20.5 inches) Parents Kenneth and Valerie
Micah Joseph -- August 23, 2007 (8.13lbs, 21 3/4 inches) Parents Mary and William
Micah Joseph -- August 23, 2007 (8.13lbs, 21 3/4 inches) Parents Mary and William
Monday, August 13, 2007
This pretty much sums up internet dating.
Hi,
You and I have a lot in common and I would like to meet you. I agreed with everything you said and you just wrote it out so eloquently. Then you made me hungry.
I know this is a forward move, and fairly assertive, but the chat for three weeks, intermittently, before we arrange a date, to see if we are who we profess to be is wearing a little thin. I'm fairly new into the dating scene and I haven't worked out all the little details.
All the excuses and dawdling aside, How would you like to arrange a blind, internet, sushi date? My favorite place in town is Memories of Japan, in Broken Arrow. They even stole my custom roll and put it on the menu!
If this intrigues even a little, then name the day and the time. My profile is accurate, those pictures are me. We really don't have anything to lose and we both get dinner. Maybe even a very good friendship. Of course there is always the e-mail back and forth :)
I have never been one to follow the "rules" if they were inconvienent. But I can be patient, if necessary. I look forward to hearing from you. Have a great week.
You and I have a lot in common and I would like to meet you. I agreed with everything you said and you just wrote it out so eloquently. Then you made me hungry.
I know this is a forward move, and fairly assertive, but the chat for three weeks, intermittently, before we arrange a date, to see if we are who we profess to be is wearing a little thin. I'm fairly new into the dating scene and I haven't worked out all the little details.
All the excuses and dawdling aside, How would you like to arrange a blind, internet, sushi date? My favorite place in town is Memories of Japan, in Broken Arrow. They even stole my custom roll and put it on the menu!
If this intrigues even a little, then name the day and the time. My profile is accurate, those pictures are me. We really don't have anything to lose and we both get dinner. Maybe even a very good friendship. Of course there is always the e-mail back and forth :)
I have never been one to follow the "rules" if they were inconvienent. But I can be patient, if necessary. I look forward to hearing from you. Have a great week.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
And More.
Actually, I left some parts out. I have recently become single (After 20 years). And whilst I was unpacking boxes I hadn’t opened since…..forever. I came across my old magazines. You know the ones of which I speak. Circus, cream, special editions on every band that had long hair, ever. And I found, IN MINT CONDITION, the Poison special edition, poster collection and rare photos. I took this (OMG ancient), they so don’t look like this anymore, mag with me to the concert. It’s why I got CiCi to come over to me. I was back by the bar, saw him by the dressing room, and pulled it out of my bag, he did a double take and came over “Holy Shit, be real quiet and I’ll sign it for you”. Was all said while he flipped through his youth on the pages of that magazine. It’s from……1988. He signed the cover and slunk away. Brett signed the same mag later at the bar.
To ebay, or not to ebay. I need to take pictures and figure out how to post them to my site.
To ebay, or not to ebay. I need to take pictures and figure out how to post them to my site.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Rocklahoma /Poison in OKC
This is a copy of the letter I sent an on-line aquaintance about my weekend adventures.
Chag,
A few months ago you told me about this pissant little concert that was gonna come to Oklahoma. The web site was crap, no bands were really up there and it was on a farm in the middle of July, in the middle of nowhere. But there was gonna be Poison and Ratt, and a few other 80's bands. Oh yeah, it was also gonna be 2 days long.
Here's what really happened, It rained every day in June and almost every day up to and during the "Rock Festival". Every Band you had ever heard of in the 80's that had even a remote connection to Metal or Glam, showed up to play. The headliners went on at 11:30pm and off at 2 am. Those two days initially advertised? Try 4 instead. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. All day every day. Every middle aged metal head in a 6 state area got lost in Oklahoma looking for this place. But still they made it somehow. It basically, sold out for all intents and purposes. It Rocked and rolled and there were great gobs of fun to be had. And it was muddy, dirty, loud, and you know, 100% Rockin'.
And If like me you looked to the east and said "Screw that, I'm not getting muddy in 100% humidity, In a field with chiggers, and mosquitos with West Nile virus. I just wanna see Poison, and Ratt. So you say "I'm not driving in the dark to a field in the middle of nowhere at 9:00pm. to get home at four. What you did was instead, the next day went to Oklahoma City and saw Ratt / Poison in the zoo Ampitheatre. But since you are way anal, you got there way early, and realized you were playing bus tag with Cici's bus all the way from Tulsa to the damn Concert! (This was very cool!) I didn't know it was them, unmarked bus, UNLIKE Mr. Michaels. So anyway SInce you bought your ticket online that morning over coffee you decide to go ahead and get the VIP ticket for $30 more. What the hell maybe you'll be able to see better. Besides its gonna be fun, total ticket price $90 something (they charged taxes). So when you got here 2-3 hours early, they give you back/side stage passes, the entire front of the stage and air-conditoned bathrooms and personal bars. You have scored. Your also like 15 feet from the dressing rooms and can chat with all the personnel. It was awesome. I was basically on the stage. They were right there, and we got the best show ever. They stopped and talked to us between bands and were actually personable! Oh yeah, and you saw all the families and the new babies and what can only be called the wet nurses. In six inch-stilletto, thigh high, vinyl boots. They came in 2 colors; original and mud. Long night, great show.
Then you find out from security that after the show the some members of the band are going in town to sign autographas at a bar. Oh yeah, and photos are allowed. Of course, this is the new middle-aged after party. You do still have a 2 hour drive home after the concert and the "after party". So ofcourse it's only almost midnight you go to the bar. you meet Brett, take a HORRIBLE cell phone picture with him, and then get a caffeine jolt and hit the road. It's 1:30am. No problem, 2 hours to home! You get home at 4A.M. you are still too razzed (and cussing the two lane turnpike drivers) to sleep. Dawn, You crash. But you had a great time and will ALWAYS spend the extra $30.00 from now 'til forever. The end.
P.S. And your not even a little embarrassed to tell people you went to the concert.(Alone). :) And no one saw your boobs, dammit, quit asking! :)
That last q? What my ex -other half asked when I got back. Nice.
-------------------------
The funny part was Both Ratt and Poison kept thanking Oklahoma for putting on Rocklahoma, and how they were all grateful. And that we rocked and THEY'D SEE US NEXT YEAR. Also rumors of REALLY big bands that the promoters are trying to recruit. AC/DC anyone?
-------------------------
Remember these bands?
Quiet Riot
Twisted Sister
Slayer
Faster Pussy CAt
Y&T
Wasp
Ratt
Poison
Vince Neil's new Band (Had to have a least the face man of Motley Crue, represent!)
Queensryche
Dokken
Warrant
LA Guns
and More here: http://www.rockfeverfest.com/artists.php
And then there were the side stages.
---------------------------
Please, I couldn't wait to see the Rock of Love show. It's too damn funny!!! I already think I'd kill about four of the girls left. Nice that he whacked 11 chicks in the first hour and a half. They gotta slow down or this will only be 3 weeks long!!! Also, another too damn funny one is the Scott baio one. OMG what a whiner!!!!! Oh, poor Scott and Brett, they get too much nookie! Give me a break. I love that Brett is at least upfront about all of it. He's not gonna pick anyone that won't give him what he wants. They need to get him so equals though. These chicks are all wanna be slaves.
Well that was my personal adventure somewhat. You told me back then, I'd have to tell you all about it. So Viola'!!!
Anyway Ciao for now.
Chag,
A few months ago you told me about this pissant little concert that was gonna come to Oklahoma. The web site was crap, no bands were really up there and it was on a farm in the middle of July, in the middle of nowhere. But there was gonna be Poison and Ratt, and a few other 80's bands. Oh yeah, it was also gonna be 2 days long.
Here's what really happened, It rained every day in June and almost every day up to and during the "Rock Festival". Every Band you had ever heard of in the 80's that had even a remote connection to Metal or Glam, showed up to play. The headliners went on at 11:30pm and off at 2 am. Those two days initially advertised? Try 4 instead. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. All day every day. Every middle aged metal head in a 6 state area got lost in Oklahoma looking for this place. But still they made it somehow. It basically, sold out for all intents and purposes. It Rocked and rolled and there were great gobs of fun to be had. And it was muddy, dirty, loud, and you know, 100% Rockin'.
And If like me you looked to the east and said "Screw that, I'm not getting muddy in 100% humidity, In a field with chiggers, and mosquitos with West Nile virus. I just wanna see Poison, and Ratt. So you say "I'm not driving in the dark to a field in the middle of nowhere at 9:00pm. to get home at four. What you did was instead, the next day went to Oklahoma City and saw Ratt / Poison in the zoo Ampitheatre. But since you are way anal, you got there way early, and realized you were playing bus tag with Cici's bus all the way from Tulsa to the damn Concert! (This was very cool!) I didn't know it was them, unmarked bus, UNLIKE Mr. Michaels. So anyway SInce you bought your ticket online that morning over coffee you decide to go ahead and get the VIP ticket for $30 more. What the hell maybe you'll be able to see better. Besides its gonna be fun, total ticket price $90 something (they charged taxes). So when you got here 2-3 hours early, they give you back/side stage passes, the entire front of the stage and air-conditoned bathrooms and personal bars. You have scored. Your also like 15 feet from the dressing rooms and can chat with all the personnel. It was awesome. I was basically on the stage. They were right there, and we got the best show ever. They stopped and talked to us between bands and were actually personable! Oh yeah, and you saw all the families and the new babies and what can only be called the wet nurses. In six inch-stilletto, thigh high, vinyl boots. They came in 2 colors; original and mud. Long night, great show.
Then you find out from security that after the show the some members of the band are going in town to sign autographas at a bar. Oh yeah, and photos are allowed. Of course, this is the new middle-aged after party. You do still have a 2 hour drive home after the concert and the "after party". So ofcourse it's only almost midnight you go to the bar. you meet Brett, take a HORRIBLE cell phone picture with him, and then get a caffeine jolt and hit the road. It's 1:30am. No problem, 2 hours to home! You get home at 4A.M. you are still too razzed (and cussing the two lane turnpike drivers) to sleep. Dawn, You crash. But you had a great time and will ALWAYS spend the extra $30.00 from now 'til forever. The end.
P.S. And your not even a little embarrassed to tell people you went to the concert.(Alone). :) And no one saw your boobs, dammit, quit asking! :)
That last q? What my ex -other half asked when I got back. Nice.
-------------------------
The funny part was Both Ratt and Poison kept thanking Oklahoma for putting on Rocklahoma, and how they were all grateful. And that we rocked and THEY'D SEE US NEXT YEAR. Also rumors of REALLY big bands that the promoters are trying to recruit. AC/DC anyone?
-------------------------
Remember these bands?
Quiet Riot
Twisted Sister
Slayer
Faster Pussy CAt
Y&T
Wasp
Ratt
Poison
Vince Neil's new Band (Had to have a least the face man of Motley Crue, represent!)
Queensryche
Dokken
Warrant
LA Guns
and More here: http://www.rockfeverfest.com/artists.php
And then there were the side stages.
---------------------------
Please, I couldn't wait to see the Rock of Love show. It's too damn funny!!! I already think I'd kill about four of the girls left. Nice that he whacked 11 chicks in the first hour and a half. They gotta slow down or this will only be 3 weeks long!!! Also, another too damn funny one is the Scott baio one. OMG what a whiner!!!!! Oh, poor Scott and Brett, they get too much nookie! Give me a break. I love that Brett is at least upfront about all of it. He's not gonna pick anyone that won't give him what he wants. They need to get him so equals though. These chicks are all wanna be slaves.
Well that was my personal adventure somewhat. You told me back then, I'd have to tell you all about it. So Viola'!!!
Anyway Ciao for now.
Monday, July 16, 2007
So Many things...
1) Ratt/Poison In OKC zoo amphitheatre this past Saturday.
Past Monday 2) Signed up on singlenet.com
Past Wednesday 3) signed up on Match.com.
2000 men, one needed. *sigh*
More on all later.
Past Monday 2) Signed up on singlenet.com
Past Wednesday 3) signed up on Match.com.
2000 men, one needed. *sigh*
More on all later.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
1,440 Minutes in a day
Met on August 21, 1986
Separated on May 31, 2007
Moved out on June 23, 2007
Lease on apt. is up on Dec. 22, 2007
Move back in, Move along. Do over?
I've been crying since May 31, 2007. Daily, actually late at night early morning(ly). Sometimes I forget. Then I remember, and I cry.
He traded in Gold for pyrite.
Sparkly on the outside and nothing on the inside.
Today is July 10, 2007. Clock started on June 22, 2007
18 days I've slept alone and kept my own counsel. I've eaten most days. I've slept some days. I've worked, cleaned and tried to function through what can only be grief. I don't dream anymore. I have a gleam in my eyes but it is from tears. I look hurt. Make-up can't hide my eyes. I am hurt.
This morning I realized he'd trade all of me for a a chance at someone else. Just trade me for hope. A what if, a fantasy. I tap danced on my ego and wiped off my face.
He says "he needs to not see or hear from me for a while. Just until he wonders what I'm doing". To see if there's anything there. WTF? 20 years it took me to disappear. Actually, the number keeps changing, it could have only been 11years. Possibly 14. But who's counting, my personal cloaking device is on.
I'm supposed to find my anger. I think I packed it and now it's MIA. Or maybe I left it at his house. I need to pick that up. The problem is every time I go there I get flustered, teary eyed and Friggin' homesick. Yes, Homesick. I built a home, not a dwelling or a residence. A home. It's not a home anymore. It's a house. HIS House. And the rest of my family, my two other cats.
I need things, I don't have a strong, tall man in my life to do them for me now. I need a step ladder, I need mixing bowls. I need hugs, and kisses, and kind words, and support. but I don't have these things. I'm 38 and I have 1035 sq. ft of "my space". And only my arms to hold me tight. Alone sucks. Occasionally he'll hold me, to help me "get it together". But I just miss it even more. I went to his house today, intentionally or not I had 35 minutes. TO get my stuff and move along. I'm not trusted in the house alone anymore? Ouch. His watch beeper actually went off. He had "dry cleaning" to pick up. Who sets their watch for dry cleaning? Reminder? maybe. Whatever, I gave him the damn watch for our anniversary a few years ago. He lives on my time. (HA! Just a little before sunrise humor there. Aren't I fun?)
My breathing, looking, speaking, walking self annoys him. SO that's what Love looks like after a lifetime. 4 white walls, noises upstairs, downstairs and next door. It's friggin' rained everyday since we broke up. It's probably my fault too.
Now that I've downloaded all of this out of my brain, maybe I can go to sleep. But the thunder and the lightning.....they startle me too. Plus, the cat I have is looking to me for comfort, so I'll hug the cat and the pillow a little harder and we'll get through....all of it.
180 days -18 days = 162 days. Tick-tock. Chin-up
Get a job. Maintain radio silence. Oh yeah, I apparently call him 2-3 times a day and this is not good. Except, I don't. But because he has told me this and others, yes plural, I know I make him uncomfortable. So, the polite thing to do is not call him. E-mail, it has no tone of voice. That's the ticket. So I haven't called him for 6 days now. But I'm not counting anything. Okay, maybe everything. I'm trying to get perspective. And I keep hoping there is a nice (mathematical) solution to everything. My next thoughts are a voodoo priestess.
7/10/2007 3:05 am
Separated on May 31, 2007
Moved out on June 23, 2007
Lease on apt. is up on Dec. 22, 2007
Move back in, Move along. Do over?
I've been crying since May 31, 2007. Daily, actually late at night early morning(ly). Sometimes I forget. Then I remember, and I cry.
He traded in Gold for pyrite.
Sparkly on the outside and nothing on the inside.
Today is July 10, 2007. Clock started on June 22, 2007
18 days I've slept alone and kept my own counsel. I've eaten most days. I've slept some days. I've worked, cleaned and tried to function through what can only be grief. I don't dream anymore. I have a gleam in my eyes but it is from tears. I look hurt. Make-up can't hide my eyes. I am hurt.
This morning I realized he'd trade all of me for a a chance at someone else. Just trade me for hope. A what if, a fantasy. I tap danced on my ego and wiped off my face.
He says "he needs to not see or hear from me for a while. Just until he wonders what I'm doing". To see if there's anything there. WTF? 20 years it took me to disappear. Actually, the number keeps changing, it could have only been 11years. Possibly 14. But who's counting, my personal cloaking device is on.
I'm supposed to find my anger. I think I packed it and now it's MIA. Or maybe I left it at his house. I need to pick that up. The problem is every time I go there I get flustered, teary eyed and Friggin' homesick. Yes, Homesick. I built a home, not a dwelling or a residence. A home. It's not a home anymore. It's a house. HIS House. And the rest of my family, my two other cats.
I need things, I don't have a strong, tall man in my life to do them for me now. I need a step ladder, I need mixing bowls. I need hugs, and kisses, and kind words, and support. but I don't have these things. I'm 38 and I have 1035 sq. ft of "my space". And only my arms to hold me tight. Alone sucks. Occasionally he'll hold me, to help me "get it together". But I just miss it even more. I went to his house today, intentionally or not I had 35 minutes. TO get my stuff and move along. I'm not trusted in the house alone anymore? Ouch. His watch beeper actually went off. He had "dry cleaning" to pick up. Who sets their watch for dry cleaning? Reminder? maybe. Whatever, I gave him the damn watch for our anniversary a few years ago. He lives on my time. (HA! Just a little before sunrise humor there. Aren't I fun?)
My breathing, looking, speaking, walking self annoys him. SO that's what Love looks like after a lifetime. 4 white walls, noises upstairs, downstairs and next door. It's friggin' rained everyday since we broke up. It's probably my fault too.
Now that I've downloaded all of this out of my brain, maybe I can go to sleep. But the thunder and the lightning.....they startle me too. Plus, the cat I have is looking to me for comfort, so I'll hug the cat and the pillow a little harder and we'll get through....all of it.
180 days -18 days = 162 days. Tick-tock. Chin-up
Get a job. Maintain radio silence. Oh yeah, I apparently call him 2-3 times a day and this is not good. Except, I don't. But because he has told me this and others, yes plural, I know I make him uncomfortable. So, the polite thing to do is not call him. E-mail, it has no tone of voice. That's the ticket. So I haven't called him for 6 days now. But I'm not counting anything. Okay, maybe everything. I'm trying to get perspective. And I keep hoping there is a nice (mathematical) solution to everything. My next thoughts are a voodoo priestess.
7/10/2007 3:05 am
Friday, July 6, 2007
Is this a good thing?
Sometimes people don't recognise a good thing when they have it. This is unfortunate for the good thing, or in this case the person who is good.
I know I'm stable (most days), I'm reliable, warm, funny, and easy to be around. I take things in stride that topple others. I never expected life to be easy and I never expected the obstacles I've had to hurdle. But I have. And I can look back at the track I've run and be proud of how I carried myself (mostly). I look forward and see more challenges and envision tackling them with ease. I'm not a super hero, but I am starting to believe that I have all the tools I need for life. I hope for a good life and I would surely love to have whip cream and cherries if everything works out right. For me whip cream and cherries is the love of someone who isn't related to me by blood. I love my family, and I love the security that family provides. But here I'm talking about Wants. I want the man I chose 20 years ago to love me back. I want him to wake up in the morning, look at me and in his mind for him to say "THIS is the woman I love." I don't want to be second string. I don't want to have to ask if he loves me back. I don't want to feel awkward around him, or tongue tied. Or worse to be ignored and taken for granted. I will always be the support team, and somewhat like the "help". To be seen and not heard and not noticed. Just part of the landscape. But these are wants. I know I'm not perfect, but I should have someone who supports me emotionally. That's really heavy lifting to put on your own shoulders. When you are supporting a relationship for two, one person can get weighed down. My shoulders are tired. My heart and soul are crushing under the weight.
In a relationship the hard part isn't the words themselves or necessarily the actions, the hard part is analysing your partners feelings and digesting "true meanings". What did they say to push your buttons? And we have so many buttons. Anger, happiness, sadness, passion, disgust, Love, etc. Once you cut through the outer layers of words and tone, and body language, what was he or she trying to say. Because it seems the most important things are the hardest to get out the way you want them. I love you becomes a motto/mantra and loses its power. SO you show your love, make dinner, take care of them when they are sick, rub their shoulders when they are tired, and snuggle them when they sleep. You "lighten the load". But sometimes when things have been unsaid for too long, you realise that you now have the whole load and the other person has forgotten you. They have no intention of coming to relieve you of the burden. Now that they are free of all that weight, they stray. They look for someone else who doesn't have all that "baggage". Ultimately, the good person, gets taken for granted.
I have come to believe that one of my stronger characteristics is being a utility player. I played softball for a long time and was pretty damn good. But I was good at everything, therefore, I was a utility player. A chameleon. I have managed to transfer these skills to my life. I blend, fit in, make things right, run the hard course, or the easy course and I always do it because it must be done. Or should be done, or just plain can be done, and wouldn't that be lovely?
Now all I have to do is get the attention of the man I love without annoying him and things will be grand. I don't have a vision of how to make him love me again. I don't have a plan. I'm not comfortable with fog in my life.You can get hurt if you can't see where you a going. I know I'm trying to fix something I have no control over. Something that affects me, that could destroy me and I have to place a lot of trust in someone else. I can do anything for 6 months. And I'm already 2 weeks down. I just need to move on and let things shake out. This is not in my nature. This is what feels wrong to me. Eventually, he will sort his feelings out and we will be able to discuss us. OUR RELATIONSHIP. No one else. I would like undivided attention but I'm not naive enough to think I will ever get it. Procrastination, avoidance, and unease, are all his survival tools. Last resort, get angry and push my buttons. Make me think I'm at fault or not good enough. Not pretty, not desirable, not....enough. For him. But "there's someone out there who can give me what I deserve". Just not him, not now, maybe later. His Modis operandi, I need to figure this out soon. Because precedent has been set and this isn't the path I want to be on.
I know I'm stable (most days), I'm reliable, warm, funny, and easy to be around. I take things in stride that topple others. I never expected life to be easy and I never expected the obstacles I've had to hurdle. But I have. And I can look back at the track I've run and be proud of how I carried myself (mostly). I look forward and see more challenges and envision tackling them with ease. I'm not a super hero, but I am starting to believe that I have all the tools I need for life. I hope for a good life and I would surely love to have whip cream and cherries if everything works out right. For me whip cream and cherries is the love of someone who isn't related to me by blood. I love my family, and I love the security that family provides. But here I'm talking about Wants. I want the man I chose 20 years ago to love me back. I want him to wake up in the morning, look at me and in his mind for him to say "THIS is the woman I love." I don't want to be second string. I don't want to have to ask if he loves me back. I don't want to feel awkward around him, or tongue tied. Or worse to be ignored and taken for granted. I will always be the support team, and somewhat like the "help". To be seen and not heard and not noticed. Just part of the landscape. But these are wants. I know I'm not perfect, but I should have someone who supports me emotionally. That's really heavy lifting to put on your own shoulders. When you are supporting a relationship for two, one person can get weighed down. My shoulders are tired. My heart and soul are crushing under the weight.
In a relationship the hard part isn't the words themselves or necessarily the actions, the hard part is analysing your partners feelings and digesting "true meanings". What did they say to push your buttons? And we have so many buttons. Anger, happiness, sadness, passion, disgust, Love, etc. Once you cut through the outer layers of words and tone, and body language, what was he or she trying to say. Because it seems the most important things are the hardest to get out the way you want them. I love you becomes a motto/mantra and loses its power. SO you show your love, make dinner, take care of them when they are sick, rub their shoulders when they are tired, and snuggle them when they sleep. You "lighten the load". But sometimes when things have been unsaid for too long, you realise that you now have the whole load and the other person has forgotten you. They have no intention of coming to relieve you of the burden. Now that they are free of all that weight, they stray. They look for someone else who doesn't have all that "baggage". Ultimately, the good person, gets taken for granted.
I have come to believe that one of my stronger characteristics is being a utility player. I played softball for a long time and was pretty damn good. But I was good at everything, therefore, I was a utility player. A chameleon. I have managed to transfer these skills to my life. I blend, fit in, make things right, run the hard course, or the easy course and I always do it because it must be done. Or should be done, or just plain can be done, and wouldn't that be lovely?
Now all I have to do is get the attention of the man I love without annoying him and things will be grand. I don't have a vision of how to make him love me again. I don't have a plan. I'm not comfortable with fog in my life.You can get hurt if you can't see where you a going. I know I'm trying to fix something I have no control over. Something that affects me, that could destroy me and I have to place a lot of trust in someone else. I can do anything for 6 months. And I'm already 2 weeks down. I just need to move on and let things shake out. This is not in my nature. This is what feels wrong to me. Eventually, he will sort his feelings out and we will be able to discuss us. OUR RELATIONSHIP. No one else. I would like undivided attention but I'm not naive enough to think I will ever get it. Procrastination, avoidance, and unease, are all his survival tools. Last resort, get angry and push my buttons. Make me think I'm at fault or not good enough. Not pretty, not desirable, not....enough. For him. But "there's someone out there who can give me what I deserve". Just not him, not now, maybe later. His Modis operandi, I need to figure this out soon. Because precedent has been set and this isn't the path I want to be on.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Owwwweeeee
Okay, I moved out. Last Saturday the 23rd of June, 2007, I moved into a new life. Mr.Y decided he needed some time to get his head and heart back into the game. 20 years, almost 21 (this August), gone. Poof. Ouch.
I cry, I get upset, I forget to eat, I forget to...everything. Can't remember my name some days or where I'm supposed to be.
Saturday, when the movers came I wasn't done packing. I thought I had time, I was in denial. I didn't have time. I forgot a lot of things. I thought it would be nothing to go get them. It isn't nothing. It hurts so bad to drive into the neighborhood, I'm blinded by tears before I get to the house. Then I have to smile for the neighbors, who come over to see how I am. I'm Fine. Dammit, I'm fine. *smile* They first found out what was going on when the moving van was in the driveway. They came over and asked questions. They cried. I didn't. If I started I wouldn't stop. SO, I smiled that smile that hurts and kept loading the truck.
I've been back twice since. Once to feed the cats, Mr. Y was out of town, and once to get some things I forgot, not in that order. The first time Mr. Y brought the stuff back with me because it was too heavy for me. I had to practically plead to get him to help. He's in pain too. I think coming back to my apt. was too painful that night. He helped me move and then tried to forget.
He's trying to forget he loved me too. He's changed the way he talks to me. No more "Love yous", no more "honeys". Its very polite. It's very sterile. I've never had anyone not tell me they Love me anymore. The only experience I have with this is when people you love die. Then they CAN'T say it anymore. So, now I've had Love taken away. Oh crap, that hurts just to think. The problem with all this change is that in 3 to 6 months we are supposed to be happy. This is a hiatus, we are working on it. But this is a "break with dating?" It really feels more like a way to get some distance from the pain of breaking up. That's not what I want. I'm trying to change my vocabulary to ease his discomfort, but I do love him. And I want to say it, and all this feels like a waste of life. Times we could be together trying to make new happy memories. *gasp*
Anyways, my thought this morning was, when I woke up and was still in that dreamy place, I forgot. I forgot I didn't live in our home. I forgot where I was, and I forgot I was in pain. Why? because my eyes were closed, I had a cat snuggling me, and I heard footsteps overhead and a shower running. My brain told me (stupid brain), that Mr. Y was upstairs taking a shower and that I could lie in bed a few more minutes and be content. Callie was snuggled up against me so I had the cat factor tricking me too. Then I crept out of the fog and into reality and **BLAM** SO very frickin' alone. Wrong place, wrong thoughts. Teary eyed, I got into the shower and got my rear in gear. Came to work, alone.
Mr. Y came in and now we are very polite, and I want to tell him "No one has ever not loved me anymore. And if we are working things out then you can't not love me for a little while and then love me later. Love is Not a switch, you can't constantly say things and then not believe them. You will talk yourself into not loving me. And.....NO. "
But instead I'll be polite and smile, and speak when spoken too, and work. Sometimes that calms my brain (stupid brain). And my stomach will twist and turn and I'll feel a little queasy and tear up, but I WILL NOT CRY AT WORK. Dammit.
Well I'm pretty well spent and I think this will help. Getting all the vitriol out. Purging as it is. More later.
Ciao.
I cry, I get upset, I forget to eat, I forget to...everything. Can't remember my name some days or where I'm supposed to be.
Saturday, when the movers came I wasn't done packing. I thought I had time, I was in denial. I didn't have time. I forgot a lot of things. I thought it would be nothing to go get them. It isn't nothing. It hurts so bad to drive into the neighborhood, I'm blinded by tears before I get to the house. Then I have to smile for the neighbors, who come over to see how I am. I'm Fine. Dammit, I'm fine. *smile* They first found out what was going on when the moving van was in the driveway. They came over and asked questions. They cried. I didn't. If I started I wouldn't stop. SO, I smiled that smile that hurts and kept loading the truck.
I've been back twice since. Once to feed the cats, Mr. Y was out of town, and once to get some things I forgot, not in that order. The first time Mr. Y brought the stuff back with me because it was too heavy for me. I had to practically plead to get him to help. He's in pain too. I think coming back to my apt. was too painful that night. He helped me move and then tried to forget.
He's trying to forget he loved me too. He's changed the way he talks to me. No more "Love yous", no more "honeys". Its very polite. It's very sterile. I've never had anyone not tell me they Love me anymore. The only experience I have with this is when people you love die. Then they CAN'T say it anymore. So, now I've had Love taken away. Oh crap, that hurts just to think. The problem with all this change is that in 3 to 6 months we are supposed to be happy. This is a hiatus, we are working on it. But this is a "break with dating?" It really feels more like a way to get some distance from the pain of breaking up. That's not what I want. I'm trying to change my vocabulary to ease his discomfort, but I do love him. And I want to say it, and all this feels like a waste of life. Times we could be together trying to make new happy memories. *gasp*
Anyways, my thought this morning was, when I woke up and was still in that dreamy place, I forgot. I forgot I didn't live in our home. I forgot where I was, and I forgot I was in pain. Why? because my eyes were closed, I had a cat snuggling me, and I heard footsteps overhead and a shower running. My brain told me (stupid brain), that Mr. Y was upstairs taking a shower and that I could lie in bed a few more minutes and be content. Callie was snuggled up against me so I had the cat factor tricking me too. Then I crept out of the fog and into reality and **BLAM** SO very frickin' alone. Wrong place, wrong thoughts. Teary eyed, I got into the shower and got my rear in gear. Came to work, alone.
Mr. Y came in and now we are very polite, and I want to tell him "No one has ever not loved me anymore. And if we are working things out then you can't not love me for a little while and then love me later. Love is Not a switch, you can't constantly say things and then not believe them. You will talk yourself into not loving me. And.....NO. "
But instead I'll be polite and smile, and speak when spoken too, and work. Sometimes that calms my brain (stupid brain). And my stomach will twist and turn and I'll feel a little queasy and tear up, but I WILL NOT CRY AT WORK. Dammit.
Well I'm pretty well spent and I think this will help. Getting all the vitriol out. Purging as it is. More later.
Ciao.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
"Lifeus Interuptis"
Well, I haven't exactly made it back to this site very frequently. I have been busy with on-going daily "lifeus interuptis". I'm not going into exactly what yet. The work front is pushing forward, but less stressful now that some major issues have been worked through. Hopefully, things will stay on track and we will be on the upswing soon. All Work, Work, Work, and no play is making me bitchy.
Our three day weekend was more like Work from 9 -3 shower, have dinner and games with friends, repeat, daily. It was fun, but so structured and not relaxing, that all the fun actually felt like work. I need a non-thinking holiday. That would be fabulous. That would be a fantasy too, because I tend to need to tend to the details. (Yes, I know. Read it very slowly, out loud.)
Oh well, I have been staring at the walls of the living room again, and I am ready to paint. I have the paint; I have all tools necessary for the job. I don't want to deal with the tarp, ladder, cat paws (little helpers!), or taping the trim. But really, besides all that I'm ready to go. I also need to paint the hall, the stairs, and the upstairs game room. Woo Hoo. This may not happen as soon as was hoped by the people who are not doing it. Ah house chores; never ending little paycheck diversions to keep life interesting.
On a different note all together, I read several blogs. Okay, I read about 20 but who's counting? And who's not blogging everyday? And quit looking at me like that. Anyways, as I was saying so eloquently, I read several blogs. And last week was a crappy week for my on-line "friends". I don't mean the little piss ant obstacles of daily life. I mean genuinely crappy life changing information was given to them each about themselves or their families.
For instance, one of them, and I WON'T name names, found out she had cancer, again. It's skin cancer and is currently "easily removed", by cutting chunks of her skin out. But this has sent her into a panic about every spot on her body. I understand this.
Tangent ~ my father died of Metastatic Melanoma, skin cancer the got into the cell structures and spread throughout his body. My Father was a very white man, Blond hair, blue eyes, and Cherokee Indian. My Mom is Lebanese. This is important because of a little thing called Melanin in our skin. I have an "olive-complexion", when I manage to see daylight in the same year you look at me. Otherwise, I am day-glow white, with potential to look Greek. But I digress, when my father was first diagnosed they removed everything with a scalpel, remission, 5 years goes by and Bam it’s back with a vengeance. And of course, during this time my family goes into hyper drive. All of this started with a mole/birthmark my father had since BIRTH. And guess what, my brother has the EXACT same mole/birthmark, in the same damn place. Well my Father lost the second battle. But I started looking at my body and noticing every spot I had. Then I noticed a very small mark on my arm that I would have swore changed shape, color density, EVERYTHING!!!! I of course went to the doctor and told him "Please remove this." He said "you people don't get skin cancer." I'm the wrong type. I informed him I didn't give damn about his opinion, my FATHER just died of this and I want it gone. Relieve my stress, NOW. He did, we did and then I found out something very interesting. All my aunts and some of my uncles on my father's side of the family regularly have these spots removed. REGULARLY.
~You should have your skin checked too.
Uh, back to topic. Any way everything about me looked different and I know she is looking at herself this way because it is Cancer and she's scared. She's scared of the unknown future. She didn't know the future last week, but this week it has lost some gloss. She's worried about her children and family, and really everything. Also, this is an unpredictable type of thing. It could be remove the spots and everything is good, or it could be more. But the doctors don't know why, or how to prevent it, or how to stop it. Basically, this is Lifeus Interuptis.
I mentioned 2 bloggers. The other one I mention because it is really life altering as well. Well, it will make you take a different path and hopefully it will be just as rewarding. He found out that his child had Autism. This is a very small child under 3. And wanting to be the helpful "Internet friend" we all want to be when lurking, I did a little research on Autism. To try and help him find "meaning", or cause, or something, to help get through this difficult period of his family's journey. And I found out, that "they" don't know what causes Autism, "they" each diagnose it differently, there are no standards to gauge it, and that there is no "cure". And that it is on the rise in the US since the middle of the 90's because they redefined it in the medical journals. Basically, they don't know what IT is. IT has varying levels, IT has no cure (they can't cure IT if they don't know what IT is), and there is nothing to do but alter the development plan for the person. In other words, you must now change your plans to meet the child's path for development. I think this is what you have to do anyway but now your child has a label and a reason to not have to perform at a predetermined level. This will undoubtedly affect the way he and his wife plan and navigate his future. Lifeus Interuptis.
Tangent ~ But teachers are already doing this to children in the US, with the drug called Ritalin. There is no way in HELL that all of a sudden every child who ever attended elementary school is being diagnosed (by their teachers) with ADD or ADHD. Remember when we were kids and your parents said “Oh so and so is hyper active, or YOU had too much sugar and look at all that energy”, well the solution to that generation of parents and every generation that came before then, was to spank the kid and tell him to settle down. But teachers today don’t have a patience level to deal with children who show up in their classrooms and misbehave. They can’t spank them, they can’t threaten them with their parent’s disapproval, and they have NO tools to teach the children. Schools are not free daycare for the parents. ~
There are other blogs that I read but their major life changes didn't happen last week. They are on-going. The bloggers I enjoy the most are real people, just walking through life with different obstacles in the way and deflecting what they can, when they can. It is kind of rare to actually read through someone’s perfect day, or to not feel tempted to write about what is really grousing you. I haven't been entirely willing to share my life yet, and I don't know that there are aspects of it that I will ever share. Humiliating stuff, broken heart stuff, you know the stuff that gets alluded to but never defined? That stuff. I'm working on it. I hope to be able to conquer my "issues", and to realize some goals. That is hopefully what the future holds.
Our three day weekend was more like Work from 9 -3 shower, have dinner and games with friends, repeat, daily. It was fun, but so structured and not relaxing, that all the fun actually felt like work. I need a non-thinking holiday. That would be fabulous. That would be a fantasy too, because I tend to need to tend to the details. (Yes, I know. Read it very slowly, out loud.)
Oh well, I have been staring at the walls of the living room again, and I am ready to paint. I have the paint; I have all tools necessary for the job. I don't want to deal with the tarp, ladder, cat paws (little helpers!), or taping the trim. But really, besides all that I'm ready to go. I also need to paint the hall, the stairs, and the upstairs game room. Woo Hoo. This may not happen as soon as was hoped by the people who are not doing it. Ah house chores; never ending little paycheck diversions to keep life interesting.
On a different note all together, I read several blogs. Okay, I read about 20 but who's counting? And who's not blogging everyday? And quit looking at me like that. Anyways, as I was saying so eloquently, I read several blogs. And last week was a crappy week for my on-line "friends". I don't mean the little piss ant obstacles of daily life. I mean genuinely crappy life changing information was given to them each about themselves or their families.
For instance, one of them, and I WON'T name names, found out she had cancer, again. It's skin cancer and is currently "easily removed", by cutting chunks of her skin out. But this has sent her into a panic about every spot on her body. I understand this.
Tangent ~ my father died of Metastatic Melanoma, skin cancer the got into the cell structures and spread throughout his body. My Father was a very white man, Blond hair, blue eyes, and Cherokee Indian. My Mom is Lebanese. This is important because of a little thing called Melanin in our skin. I have an "olive-complexion", when I manage to see daylight in the same year you look at me. Otherwise, I am day-glow white, with potential to look Greek. But I digress, when my father was first diagnosed they removed everything with a scalpel, remission, 5 years goes by and Bam it’s back with a vengeance. And of course, during this time my family goes into hyper drive. All of this started with a mole/birthmark my father had since BIRTH. And guess what, my brother has the EXACT same mole/birthmark, in the same damn place. Well my Father lost the second battle. But I started looking at my body and noticing every spot I had. Then I noticed a very small mark on my arm that I would have swore changed shape, color density, EVERYTHING!!!! I of course went to the doctor and told him "Please remove this." He said "you people don't get skin cancer." I'm the wrong type. I informed him I didn't give damn about his opinion, my FATHER just died of this and I want it gone. Relieve my stress, NOW. He did, we did and then I found out something very interesting. All my aunts and some of my uncles on my father's side of the family regularly have these spots removed. REGULARLY.
~You should have your skin checked too.
Uh, back to topic. Any way everything about me looked different and I know she is looking at herself this way because it is Cancer and she's scared. She's scared of the unknown future. She didn't know the future last week, but this week it has lost some gloss. She's worried about her children and family, and really everything. Also, this is an unpredictable type of thing. It could be remove the spots and everything is good, or it could be more. But the doctors don't know why, or how to prevent it, or how to stop it. Basically, this is Lifeus Interuptis.
I mentioned 2 bloggers. The other one I mention because it is really life altering as well. Well, it will make you take a different path and hopefully it will be just as rewarding. He found out that his child had Autism. This is a very small child under 3. And wanting to be the helpful "Internet friend" we all want to be when lurking, I did a little research on Autism. To try and help him find "meaning", or cause, or something, to help get through this difficult period of his family's journey. And I found out, that "they" don't know what causes Autism, "they" each diagnose it differently, there are no standards to gauge it, and that there is no "cure". And that it is on the rise in the US since the middle of the 90's because they redefined it in the medical journals. Basically, they don't know what IT is. IT has varying levels, IT has no cure (they can't cure IT if they don't know what IT is), and there is nothing to do but alter the development plan for the person. In other words, you must now change your plans to meet the child's path for development. I think this is what you have to do anyway but now your child has a label and a reason to not have to perform at a predetermined level. This will undoubtedly affect the way he and his wife plan and navigate his future. Lifeus Interuptis.
Tangent ~ But teachers are already doing this to children in the US, with the drug called Ritalin. There is no way in HELL that all of a sudden every child who ever attended elementary school is being diagnosed (by their teachers) with ADD or ADHD. Remember when we were kids and your parents said “Oh so and so is hyper active, or YOU had too much sugar and look at all that energy”, well the solution to that generation of parents and every generation that came before then, was to spank the kid and tell him to settle down. But teachers today don’t have a patience level to deal with children who show up in their classrooms and misbehave. They can’t spank them, they can’t threaten them with their parent’s disapproval, and they have NO tools to teach the children. Schools are not free daycare for the parents. ~
There are other blogs that I read but their major life changes didn't happen last week. They are on-going. The bloggers I enjoy the most are real people, just walking through life with different obstacles in the way and deflecting what they can, when they can. It is kind of rare to actually read through someone’s perfect day, or to not feel tempted to write about what is really grousing you. I haven't been entirely willing to share my life yet, and I don't know that there are aspects of it that I will ever share. Humiliating stuff, broken heart stuff, you know the stuff that gets alluded to but never defined? That stuff. I'm working on it. I hope to be able to conquer my "issues", and to realize some goals. That is hopefully what the future holds.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Ahhh, that new blog smell....
This is of course the first entry. I'm still unpacking boxes and decorating the place. It's still all new and shiny!!!
The goal of this blog is to keep my thoughts in order and to gain some life perspective.
The reality of this blog will probably be a lot of venting and sarcasm; about everything from demoting Pluto as a planet, to cleaning cat puke off the rug. I may also voice some opinions on politics, and equally important, television networks and the way they continuously cancel my favorite shows. Or "re-write" perfectly good ones.
My typing skills and my grammar skills do not always work well together. So please feel free to POLITELY point out obvious errors. Also, please feel free to just talk to me. I will do my best to respond.
This brings us to another reason I am posting this online journal. I am trying to connect to the world and make new friends. Will you be my friend? Not stalker? Promise?
Well thanks for stopping by, I think it's time I got back to work on this site and finished "moving in". Hope to talk to you soon!!!
Ciao.
The goal of this blog is to keep my thoughts in order and to gain some life perspective.
The reality of this blog will probably be a lot of venting and sarcasm; about everything from demoting Pluto as a planet, to cleaning cat puke off the rug. I may also voice some opinions on politics, and equally important, television networks and the way they continuously cancel my favorite shows. Or "re-write" perfectly good ones.
My typing skills and my grammar skills do not always work well together. So please feel free to POLITELY point out obvious errors. Also, please feel free to just talk to me. I will do my best to respond.
This brings us to another reason I am posting this online journal. I am trying to connect to the world and make new friends. Will you be my friend? Not stalker? Promise?
Well thanks for stopping by, I think it's time I got back to work on this site and finished "moving in". Hope to talk to you soon!!!
Ciao.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
March 29th, 2007: Now I have millipedes....*sigh*
Okay, I really have no idea what the heck is going on in my homes "eco-system". Last week I find a snake in the entry and this week I am being over run by one inch millipedes. I think they are coming in under the front door somehow. I counted over thirty as I vacuumed them up, then an hour later there were at least another thirty! And NO they did not come back out of the damn shop-vac. These were new. And what else you ask? Well the lazy cat gang didn't care about these either.
This morning, I got up and viola! More damn inch long creepy crawlies. Must go to Home Depot and get door liner, and bug repellent. Fun for me!!!!
Ciao for now.
This morning, I got up and viola! More damn inch long creepy crawlies. Must go to Home Depot and get door liner, and bug repellent. Fun for me!!!!
Ciao for now.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
March 20th, 2007: I'm so regular :)
Hello,
I haven't been by to relate any thoughts here of late. I have been "there" of late. But anyhow the big news. Last night I came in the house and in the "foyer" I saw, to my total dismay, a snake. Yes, A SNAKE.
Now you would think that with 3 healthy, aggressive, happy, hunting felines in the house it would have been a DEAD SNAKE. It was only 14 inches long, and about a pencil width wide. Baby snake. But no, they had decided Mommy would remove the New Pet. Or they were bored, or so freaking lazy that as long as it wasn't in their food bowl, no chomping would occur.
So after determing that the snake was ALIVE. I actually reached down to pick it up, it thought and said , "HELL NO" and conveyed this to me via body language and baby "hissssp". Yes, my snake had a lisp. I decided implements were VERY necessary.
The cats were still not helping and no longer even interested. 2 of 3 had gone back to bed. The third was begging for attention...gah. So I went to the kitchen, very fast and retreived the long tongs and a sticky roll on s stick design to remove cat fur. It's made of soft rubber so he wouldn't get any sticky on him, or worse, get stuck to the sticky roll. I tried long the LONG handled sticky roll thing first. Ummm, it didn't stick. He said "Hissssp", and proceeded to snake walk across the hallway. Not a good development. So then I looked at the much shorter long tongs and decided I didn't want to know if he had baby teeth. He kept striking at me before hissssping. I could tell he wasn't the normal grass snake you find on the lawn all the damn time. He was brown and had little tiny markings. I wasn't willing to get close enough to investigate the exact pattern.
So then I flipped over the sticky thing because being crafty and all I had fashioned a hanger tip on it so I could hang it up in the broom closet. Any way, we Mr. baby snake and I, attempted to help each other out by balancing on the end of the hanger part. I'd pick him up, he'd fall down (2-3 inches), then he'd hisssp and scooch about 12 inches DIRECTLY AT ME. We were getting further from the door. Not good. So i'd politely poke him towards the door again, and we'd attempt it again. Thump. Hisssp. Scooch. We did this about six times before he decided it was nappy time and curled into the cutest little circles, I then hooked him and moved him over the threshold and out the damn door. Hisssp, and scooch into the house. I tried explaning that he didn't want to live here, and that I didn't want him to live here, and that he was damn well going OUT!
He cuddled back into sleep mode. I hooked him again and this time got him 3 feet out the door, I was sure I could out run him into the house. I DID!!!!! And I asked him to please not send his Mommy over to talk to me about it.
Now just so you know, there were NO SNAKES HARMED in this adventure. He was really kinda cute, but I knew he would have been a cat appetizer before sunrise. At least I hoped. But as far as I know, he is now plotting to get back in the house. That was my adventure.
Also, I am now actively looking for snakes in my house. This is very unsettling. Damn lazy cats.
Ciao.
I haven't been by to relate any thoughts here of late. I have been "there" of late. But anyhow the big news. Last night I came in the house and in the "foyer" I saw, to my total dismay, a snake. Yes, A SNAKE.
Now you would think that with 3 healthy, aggressive, happy, hunting felines in the house it would have been a DEAD SNAKE. It was only 14 inches long, and about a pencil width wide. Baby snake. But no, they had decided Mommy would remove the New Pet. Or they were bored, or so freaking lazy that as long as it wasn't in their food bowl, no chomping would occur.
So after determing that the snake was ALIVE. I actually reached down to pick it up, it thought and said , "HELL NO" and conveyed this to me via body language and baby "hissssp". Yes, my snake had a lisp. I decided implements were VERY necessary.
The cats were still not helping and no longer even interested. 2 of 3 had gone back to bed. The third was begging for attention...gah. So I went to the kitchen, very fast and retreived the long tongs and a sticky roll on s stick design to remove cat fur. It's made of soft rubber so he wouldn't get any sticky on him, or worse, get stuck to the sticky roll. I tried long the LONG handled sticky roll thing first. Ummm, it didn't stick. He said "Hissssp", and proceeded to snake walk across the hallway. Not a good development. So then I looked at the much shorter long tongs and decided I didn't want to know if he had baby teeth. He kept striking at me before hissssping. I could tell he wasn't the normal grass snake you find on the lawn all the damn time. He was brown and had little tiny markings. I wasn't willing to get close enough to investigate the exact pattern.
So then I flipped over the sticky thing because being crafty and all I had fashioned a hanger tip on it so I could hang it up in the broom closet. Any way, we Mr. baby snake and I, attempted to help each other out by balancing on the end of the hanger part. I'd pick him up, he'd fall down (2-3 inches), then he'd hisssp and scooch about 12 inches DIRECTLY AT ME. We were getting further from the door. Not good. So i'd politely poke him towards the door again, and we'd attempt it again. Thump. Hisssp. Scooch. We did this about six times before he decided it was nappy time and curled into the cutest little circles, I then hooked him and moved him over the threshold and out the damn door. Hisssp, and scooch into the house. I tried explaning that he didn't want to live here, and that I didn't want him to live here, and that he was damn well going OUT!
He cuddled back into sleep mode. I hooked him again and this time got him 3 feet out the door, I was sure I could out run him into the house. I DID!!!!! And I asked him to please not send his Mommy over to talk to me about it.
Now just so you know, there were NO SNAKES HARMED in this adventure. He was really kinda cute, but I knew he would have been a cat appetizer before sunrise. At least I hoped. But as far as I know, he is now plotting to get back in the house. That was my adventure.
Also, I am now actively looking for snakes in my house. This is very unsettling. Damn lazy cats.
Ciao.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
March 8th, 2007: Life in my bowl.
BEEN THERE, LIVING THAT.
I've been in my relationship for 21 years. Found out the "cheating" had been going on for 3 years. IT's hard. You justify go to counseling, try to understand WTF? Then you realize people cheat and it has NOTHING to do with you. You were still there doing and being who you were before they....explored. But the real question is what was the path that lead them to someone else. How did they get to the point of needing a replacement for that part of their life? It was not sexually based, we weren't either, but I digress. The real end-game question is how invested are you? Can you trust them again, and finally, do you still love them and do you want to work it out? Of course, this assumes the other person wants all of these things as well.
And the cheater being sorry, doesn't and probably never will even register with the cheatee. There is forgive but never forget. But you also end up learning about communication and how little of it you really do in a long term relationship.
Think about that ladies, you wake up, kiss, shower, go to work, come home, make dinner, "how was your day?", watch TV, do chores, read, go to sleep. REPEAT, with variations.
Not a lot of talk going on sometimes. And that becomes routine.
This is the bottom-line relationship killer.
I've been in my relationship for 21 years. Found out the "cheating" had been going on for 3 years. IT's hard. You justify go to counseling, try to understand WTF? Then you realize people cheat and it has NOTHING to do with you. You were still there doing and being who you were before they....explored. But the real question is what was the path that lead them to someone else. How did they get to the point of needing a replacement for that part of their life? It was not sexually based, we weren't either, but I digress. The real end-game question is how invested are you? Can you trust them again, and finally, do you still love them and do you want to work it out? Of course, this assumes the other person wants all of these things as well.
And the cheater being sorry, doesn't and probably never will even register with the cheatee. There is forgive but never forget. But you also end up learning about communication and how little of it you really do in a long term relationship.
Think about that ladies, you wake up, kiss, shower, go to work, come home, make dinner, "how was your day?", watch TV, do chores, read, go to sleep. REPEAT, with variations.
Not a lot of talk going on sometimes. And that becomes routine.
This is the bottom-line relationship killer.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
March 7th, 2007: The day of Reckoning
Saturday March 3, 2007. Dusk. It happened. We are actually on the track to happiness and well-being as a couple after all these many years of turbulence. Now for the next time. Schedules to keep, make, and promises to deliver. Fingers crossed.
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